A Little Here and There...

So yesterday on my lunch break, I went to visit CW and as I was waiting in line, there was the cutest frickin coffee cup:

why yes, I am still in bed, thankyouverymuch.

And I was like "OMG!" and CW was like, "I know, I was going to get you one, but didn't know if you wanted another coffee cup."  Of course I was like, "OOOOOOH YEAH!" So he was like, "Grab one, they're only $3," but I get a 10% so NYAH :)  

Then his boss was like, "I can't believe you talked her into buying a cup."
He said, "The cup sold itself."

It really did.  

So.   I have a new coffee cup.  I'm really excited about it.  It's the little things.  Also, Since I have two monthly mail subscriptions which cost a total of $20 we decided to get CW one too, this one is to Loot Crate.  It's a gamer/geek subscription, which he says is for both of us because I'm a geek :) but really, it's for him. His name is on the membership card :) I'm frickin excited about my damn birchbox and glam bag.  I can't wait for them to come in the mail.  It's like Christmas every month.  I feel like a kid.  

So aside from the flu of death I had last week, I feel a lot better this week, so that means I get to visit my nephews :)  I'm happy.  

Hispanicah/Festivus/Christmas

  As a lot of people who know me know, my parents and I started a tradition when I was about 13 years old where we open a small present a few days before Christmas.  Over the years it has evolved into a week long celebration that we have dubbed "Hispanicah." Why? Well, because we're hispanic and we thought it was fitting.  It starts the week before Christmas eve and for those 7 days we each take turns giving small gifts and having snacks and spending time together.
  I love it.  Yesterday we spent the last day of Hispanicah celebrating Christmas with my aunts, uncle, cousins and two grandmas.  We had a turkey dinner and it was amazing.  Not only that, my uncle and aunt made the most amazing posole I've ever had.  I mean... it was soooo effing amazing that I was stuffed to the point of being sick and still opted to eat another bowl because it was so effing yummy.
  I had such a great time yesterday.  I loved spending it with my family.  It was just awesome.  I got some great gifts and had a great time.
  Not only do I have my little family's wonderful tradition of Hispanicah, I now have the amazing tradition of Festivus that my wonderful friend, @atknitsend introduced me to.  It's a holiday for the creative.  I got my present from her today and it was partially open when the mailman delivered it to my door, so I figured, what the hey... and opened it to make sure everything was okay :) and I received the most amazing socks and yarn and shawlette!  I'm in love with everything!!!  I'm wearing the socks as we speak...  I'm so happy.  My heart is super smiling now.
  I love my family.  I love my friends.  I love my fur babies.  I love my honey bunny boo. I'm one lucky and blessed girl.

P.S.
If everyone could please keep my mom's dog Mayhem in your thoughts and prayers and send positive vibes our way, it would be greatly appreciated.  Please don't ask questions at this time, I don't want to talk about it, I just want to know that we have people thinking about and praying for this amazingly loving great dane/puppy/giant lap dog.

One Happy Turkey...

   This morning I woke up in a haze of extreme exhaustion and a desire to get working on our dishes for Thanksgiving dinner.  I was making mac and cheese casserole for my ma in law's and this pudding dessert to take over to my parents' house afterward.  So, CW and I started cooking at 9 this morning (I went to bed around 4ish but woke up at 8 and watched Scrooged) as we listened to Christmas tunes.  We were simultaneously making our dishes, I told CW what he needed to do for the pudding and he did it (an amazing job might I add) he really didn't need me to tell him much he's made it before plenty of times I just give him the exact measurements is all and I was busy making my mac and cheese.  I wasn't sure how much to make so I make a huge quantity because I wanted to have more than necessary than not enough...

   We finished and then headed to my ma in law's a little early and when we got there I helped my sister in law in the kitchen with a few things... I love spending time with her, she makes me laugh so much.  Then my ma in law came down and the three of us finished up in the kitchen... well, actually CW did help with the mashed taters.  

  It was such a great day.  I had so much fun being with my family.  Spending time with my family makes me so happy.  I love seeing my nephews... although Hayden wasn't there, I still thought of him.  

   After dinner we hung out for a while and then CW and I headed to my parents' house to spend the rest of the evening with them.  I had a really good evening.  Being with my parents is always nice.  They are two of my best friends after all.  

   All in all, today was an amazing day.  I'm so thankful for everything.  

Thankful Thursday

   Today is the first day of November and when I woke up this morning I had a lot going through my head.  Mostly, it was about how thankful I am for many things.  I guess that tends to happen around this time with Thanksgiving hanging around in the air.

   I really do have a lot to be thankful for.  First and foremost, my dad is here and he is getting better every day.  I don't know what I would have done had I lost him.  

   I have my mom who just is amazing and makes me realize how lucky I am to have her in my life.  I don't know a lot of people who have such special relationships with their moms in the fashion that I do, so I know that this is one thing to be very thankful for.

   I have the most amazing bestie a gal could ask for.  She is so loving and giving and always there for me, it makes me just so proud to have her in my life.  I love every part of her and her family.  Her boys have such a huge spot in my heart, it's ridiculous.  I love her honey and her sister and her parents... everything.  She loves me despite my flaws and never faults me for having them. That right there is friendship.

   I also have been blessed with new friendships in my lovely tweeps :) you guys all know who you are.  I love you all, you all make me feel so special and I miss you guys, can't wait till I get a better phone to communicate more.  

   Kim and Cherub have been great long distance snail mail pals.  I am so thankful for that.  XoXo

   I'm thankful for my new job and for CW's new job, I love having him working so close to me.  I'm thankful for us having two working vehicles.  

   I'm thankful for my nephews.  My new nephew, Skyler who was born in February and my older nephew Hayden, his big brother.  I'm thankful for my step-son Christian, he's growing into a fine young man.  I'm thankful for my amazing sister in law Melicia and my brother in laws, Tony and Ian.  My Ma and Pa in Law... Essentially, my family who makes me feel so happy when I'm around them.

   And of course, I'm so thankful for the most amazing husband in the world. Without him, I would be empty.  My life would not be complete, I would not smile as often as I do and I would not have a warm home, I would just live in a cold house.  Marrying my best friend was probably one of the smartest things I could have ever done.

a quick update...

  I've been busy lately with trying to get back in the groove of working full time and trying to find a balance with a normal routine again.  I'm so tired lately!  I'm at work 46+ hours a week and I'm still trying to get used to it.  I guess after almost a year of crafting and having my own hours, it's going to take a while.
   Well, I haven't been much on the social network lately but I have been observing shall we say... Not just online, but in life.  Online I've noticed that people are really sensitive and it's almost as though they expect you to share the EXACT same opinion as them and if you don't... they unfriend, unfollow, un-whatever you. I remember the days when it was actually okay to say something that was of differing opinion of someone else and it was ACCEPTED!  O_O  yes... those days did exist at one point in time.
  On another note, I've found that waking up early and watching the news every day does absolutely nothing for my paranoia.  It just makes me sad.
   I'm also closing down my website.  I don't keep up with it and I don't want to pay for it.  Besides, my blog and etsy are really my means of communication now anyway.  I've been thinking about doing it for about a year now and I'm going to do it.  I need new business cards anyway.  :)

Sure, give me a moment to paint on my smile!

   I have a million thoughts and emotions flowing through my head so forgive me if this rambles or doesn't make any sense.  I know usually I have issues with staying focused anyway and I blame bipolar, today it's a mix of all things emotional.
   For 25 years I had to hold in every emotion I felt so everything translated to anger.  Therefore, anger is my default emotion.  I'm having to relearn how to be happy.  I'm having to relearn how to not fake every emotion.  I'm trying my damnedest not to act anymore.  I had to do that for the majority of my life.  I don't want to pretend anymore.
   I think it's unfair to be angry at me for having emotions or for not faking my way through life.  If everyone wants that, I can do that again.  I can be the shell that I once was.  Why am I not good enough as is?  Is my question...

Totally NOT laboring this Labor Day Weekend...

   Last night I went to bed around 3 or 4AM... ok so it was this morning... same thing... Then as CW was going to work, I kinda laid in bed with Jasper's face on my face and decided to wake up.  I opened my eyes had a minor panic attack when I couldn't see shit... then remembered I wore my glasses last night.  I then looked at the time and realized how disgustingly early it was, but I was already awake.  I took pics of the custom beanies I made... screwed around on the internet for a while... called my mom... then decided I was going to paint... after some more screwing around, I did in fact paint.  

    I made 3 bookmarks but I fucked one up when I was cutting it and smashed it some how... so... that will be mine... the other two, those will be going up for sale on Etsy as soon as I post them.  :) 

   WHY? Did I go to bed so late?  Because I took a freaking 4 hour nap until 8:30PM yesterday... I asked CW to wake me up after 30 minutes... I just wanted a powernap.... IS THAT 30 MINUTES?  sigh... men.

   I BARELY washed my face like 20 minutes ago.  What a freaking amazing lazy day.  Normally, I'm doing shit, I have to be places, go somewhere... do something... not today... it was nice.  Hope you all are enjoying your labor day weekend... and not laboring.

Dogs Like Treats... in ABUNDANCE

WARNING: If you haven't seen Last night's episode of True Blood or Magic Mike and you don't want "spoilers" don't read today's post.  Just letting you know in advance.  :)

   This morning on our way out the door I told our dogs "If when I get home there are NO cushions on the floor, you guys will get an ABUNDANCE of cookies. I'm serious you guys I'm tired of this shit, but I mean ABUNDANCE of COOKIES!" CW nodded his head and said, "all they heard was blahblahblah cushions blahblahblah cookies blahblahblah shit blahblahblah cookies." I said, "Not Jasper." he shrugged and said "True."  I know you may be wondering why I said this "speech" to the dogs, but they are notorious for knocking down the couch cushions and now my couches look like they belong in either a college kid's rented apartment or a crackhouse because they are completely ripped up and shitty looking because of the dogs having a rave every time we leave the house.

As we get in the car I said, "Jasper understands because he's super smart."
"Yeah, he has the vocabulary of a preschooler."
"Yeah, he's a genius."
"He's the alpha now."
"Yeah and he runs around with a 6-pack looking all greasy and manly like Alcide."
-in an over exaggerated Batman ala Christian Bale voice- "And he talks like Batman when he's all hopped up on V."
"Why you gotta hate on Alcide?"
"Why you gotta see his penis?"
"It's not like I knew they showed his penis in Magic Mike." (I'm not complaining though)

And ever since I saw Magic Mike... CW hates Alcide now from  True Blood when he used to like him.  It's not my fault that he's really tall, has curly hair and huge muscles. I'm just saying... CW has curly hair is a helluva lot taller than me and his broad ex-gymnast shoulders are totally what had me melting... I kind of have a type... what can I say?

Oh! P.S.  The dogs were good.  They got an abundance of cookies and they seriously knew the moment I opened the door what they were getting because all of their asses were waiting by the dog treat door with smiles.  :)  So maybe Jasper isn't the only genius.

You Crazy, Crazy Man.

    Four years ago today I sat at work and secretly sent messages to the guy I was dating/spending every night with.  In one of those messages was a somewhat cryptic message saying something about us being exclusive.  Now me, being the psychotic person that I am, I have to read into everything and make sure I understand exactly what is going on, so later that night when I got to CW's house I was like, "so does this mean you're like my boyfriend now?" and he was like, "well, if you want to be my girlfriend..." So then became us.
   After nearly two months of dating and showing him how amazing I am and how much his life would suck without me, he gave in.  I already knew my life sucked without him.  I had to suffer the years before seeing him with other women who didn't deserve him, the women who treated him like poo (and not in the way that I do, the crappy kind).  I may be kinda bitchy and shit, but like I love CW insane amounts.  I do a lot for him that people may not see.  They may see the shit that he does for me and think that I'm just a pampered princess and blahblahblah but, I do shit too.
   So anywho... that was 4 years ago and ever since then, my life has been nothing but a blur.  Time has just flown by and they were not even lying when they said time flies when you're having fun.  It doesn't even seem like 4 years has gone by.  In fact, it seems like just yesterday we were going on our first official date or going to that Rehab concert. 
   I have so many wonderful memories with CW that life just seems right.  I honestly am one of the lucky ones to be with a best friend, soul mate and someone who can stand my mental ass, let alone living with me. 
   So to the only man in the world who could handle the job, yes, it IS a job, I love you and HAPPY ANNIVERSARY!  (he reads my blogs, just never comments on 'em here, just to me)

Dogs, Dogs, Do- SQUIRREL!

   Okay, so I know I haven't really been funny lately (if you ever though I was semi funny) I've just been kinda writing mindlessly and quickly for that matter just to say, "hey, I'm still blogging, I'm not a total asshole."  Although, I reread my last blog and was like, WTF was that?  I know I'm pretty incoherent sometimes (I blame bipolar) but it for the most part made like no sense.  This time, I'm going to TRY to stick to making some sort of sense.
   As some people know, I've been spending a lot of time with my dad after his heart surgery because of this, I'm tired as fuck.  HOWEVER, I have been hit by the creative bug.  I have been doing a lot of stuff with graphs and crochet.  I have a shit ton of fun creating.  With this type of crochet I get to also add in another one of my favorite types of art, which is drawing.  CW gets a kick out of seeing things that I draw then crochet.  I just have fun doing it all.  I also like the whole editing as I go.  It's pretty cool to be like, "this doesn't work." erase, then problem solve... I love it.
   I also taught my mom how to make granny squares.  It's pretty cool to watch her do something other than random crochet.  I like her random designs but I also like to see her follow a bit of a pattern.  This shows her how important counting is in crochet.  She's fast too.  I love it.  She reminds me of Ofie in Waking Up in the Land of Glitter by Kathy Cano-Murillo (the speed crochet part, nothing else).  She's not making multi colored granny squares yet, but still, bad ass.
   I've missed my dogs.  I rarely get to see them except for a few hours in the evenings.  Then, they are a bit clingy.  I give them a buncha treats.  CW says they're on diets and I need to stop, "but they're babies!" I retort, "No, they're fat and old."  He says.  He's right, but I miss them and I want them to be happy.
   This morning when I came to pick CW up (I woke up early to be with my dad) Jasper was jumping at the front door trying to get to me but CW wouldn't let him and I stood back and just waiting and my heart broke a little because I wanted to hug him before I left again for another few hours, so CW opened the front door and Jasper was so happy, he made my heart smile.  I was in a good mood for the entire morning.  Not that I don't find my parents' dogs endearing, but they aren't my precious babies.
   In fact, Mischief (the name fit perfectly this morning), my parents' one year old rottie pup dug a huge frickin hole in the back yard and when I looked outside to let them back in and saw half her body in the hole, my jaw dropped.  I went outside and just sat on the bistro set for a few minutes to take it all in and she came up to me with a muddy face (it rained last night) and wiped it all over my maxi dress.  So I went back inside and put on my flip flops and the little brat had the nerve to jump on the back door.  I sighed a bit as I went back out and grabbed a shovel, she usually barks at my mom and fights with my mom whenever my mom grabs a shovel, rake, broom or any kind of yard work tool so I was worried, but I had no problems.  I'm also a little more dominating over Mischief than my mom is, so I guess I can understand why Mischief did nothing.  She did kind of lay in her hole as protest but as I threw dirt in her hole, she moved.  It took a lot of frickin dirt in the damn heat PLUS it was humid today too!  This desert rat is NOT used to humidity.  I covered the hole, stomped it down with the shovel AND my feet.  She looked at me with her big brown eyes filled with sadness and then wanted back inside.  I do NOT feel bad.
   I covered the hole because although it's not my yard, I didn't want my ma to have to deal with it after having to be at work all day.  I'm not always a complete asshole.
   So now I'm home, my furry ones are asleep.  Yes, I gave them a treat when I came in.  My Jasper lays at my feet as I type.  They say his with his breed, once they pick someone, that's the person they are devoted to for life.  I'm lucky he picked me.  Granted, I didn't even want to keep the little shit, he was SO destructive when he was a puppy, he chewed my laptop cord, our front bathroom door, our rugs, our couch, our front bathroom wall... but in the end, he was worth it and I'm glad CW talked me into keeping him.  He completes our family really well.

Dear Sleep, I miss you

   I've been really tired lately, like really tired.  I can't sleep at night and even when I'm REALLY tired, like falling asleep standing up- kind of tired, when it comes to the going to bed part, my mind wakes up and is like "HEY!  Do you know all the shit you could be doing right now?"  So then I'm mentally writing all this shit in my head and my brain just will not turn the fuck off and then the next thing I know, it's 3 hours later and I am STILL awake.

   I never really liked sleeping because I know that sleep takes away from the other things I could be doing with my life, but ever since I have failed to get a "normal" nights' sleep in such a long time... I really frickin miss sleeping.  It's weird for me to crave sleep.  I don't mind this kind of sleep though, lately when I do fall asleep, it's been so hard that it feels like a dreamless sleep, which is a lot better than nightmares.

   It's also 8 days till my 4 year anniversary with my beloved.  These years have flown by.  It's like, one minute I'm a 25 year old Ice Queen who hates the entire male population and the next, I'm completely and totally in love and all the ice that surrounded my heart has melted away.  I know I suck sometimes and can be hard to live with, but hey, we make it work.  Our balance sometimes get,  a little off, but it goes back.  The only thing I know is that there is only one person in this world that truly was made for me.  It's rare to find that person who completes you and makes your heart feel whole, especially after it's been shattered and damaged by the curveballs that life threw and knocked it down with...

Spending QT with My Furry Babies

   This morning I was taking my beloved to go pick up the truck from my parents' house and before we were leaving the dogs were being so cute.  It was almost as though they were begging me not to leave.  Okay, I get it guys, I've been gone a lot.  Even my autistic dog (I'll explain) was acting super cute and loving which is completely out of character for her.
   I know it seems weird, but my dog exhibits signs of autism.  I'll write about it and how I came to this conclusion in another blog, another time later.
   I explained to the dogs that I'd be right back and true to my word, I came right back.  The house didn't look like a rave happened while I was gone all of 13 minutes either like it did on Tuesday, so that was a good thing.  I gave my furry babies treats for being good and now they are taking naps on our king size bed. Yes, it is our bed.  My beloved and I got a larger bed when our dogs couldn't fit comfortably on our full size bed with us when we added a 3rd dog to our family 3 years ago.  I don't know who does that.  Seriously.
   My parents dogs are great.  They are super effing cute and fun to hang out with, but they aren't my dogs.  My dogs listen to me, my parents' dogs don't.  Granted, I understand they are still puppy-ish, but I'm used to my dogs coming when they are called and my super psychotically smart Jasper who knows how to help make the frickin bed and throws trash in a trash can (I have witness who can vouch for these tasks).
   Besides, who wouldn't want to spend the day with these faces?

 Wallo being innocent.

Patchik being sweet.

Jasper playing with his beloved yarn barf.

   

Four Years and 2 Clogged Tear Ducts

   I know I've been slightly absent after posting pretty regularly for a while, but I've been spending the majority of my days back and forth between my house and my parents' house during the day and at night I'm so wiped out, all I wanna do is just let my mind be blank for a few.
   I feel so tired.  I don't mind doing things for my dad at all because I think of the alternative in which he is not here for me to do things for.  The thing is, I still worry about my dad.  Not only him, but my mom.  I know that her worry makes it hard for her to really get rest therefore I don't rest.  I wake up several times throughout the night with that elevator feeling in my gut and I don't know what it is.  I check my phones to make sure I'm not missing calls from my mom and I'm not, so I'm ok there, but I still worry.
   I think I'm really drained emotionally because I never really cried.  I cried a little here and there but I tried to keep my emotions in check because I didn't want to bring that bad energy around while my dad was getting prepared for surgery or while he was in the hospital.  So I have all this pent up grief that I need to expel.  I know it may be hard for some to understand, but I feel all clogged up.  I need to release these tears that I never got to purge from my system.
 

   On another note in 2 weeks it will be my Beloved and I's 4 year anniversary.  Four years. I mean, we've been dating for over 4 years already but as an official couple, 4 years together on 8/22.  CW and I have rough spots and we argue here and there, we are not perfect by any means, but he was definitely Made for Me.  

Where the fuck have I been?

Well, in short, I've been with my dad.  Every day since July 26th.  First we were at the hospital until he was discharged last Tuesday and at my parents' house ever since then.
   You may be asking, why?  Well, my dad had bypass surgery on the 27th and had he not had that surgery, I could have lost him.  We even could have lost him during the surgery.  I write this with tears in my eyes and     snot running down my face because you don't understand... My dad is only 47.  He is one of my best friends.  I love him more than I could even put into words.
   My parents and I have a special relationship that I haven't seen in many families.  Some of my friends freak out at the way I speak to my parents but, it's never been strange to me because as I've said before, my parents are two of my best friends.  I'm lucky to have them.
  See, if I didn't have the parents that I do, I would not be the person I am today.  I know I'm a little fucking nuts and I've got quirks up the ass, but if my parents were not who they are, I don't think I would have even made it this far in life (I'm talking about life, period) because my parents gave me a reason to live.
   Now I have many reasons to live.  I even have a partner in life.
   I knew when I made the decision to move less than 5 minutes away from my parents, it was the right one.  Cuz driving back and forth between houses all day would suck if I lived farther. :)

Why I Won't Be Watching Ted...

  You see, a few years back I used to LOVE Seth Macfarlane.  I thought he was hilarious.  Then, one day he took his anti-religious jokes too far in his TV shows.  It just became unfunny to me.  I have absolutely no qualms with people having their own choice of religion or no religion, whatever it may be, but I also like to have the same choice. 
   The thing is, I don't like to have things shoved down my throat.  Especially when it's something that reaches such a large audience like a television show because then people blankly take it in without even noticing that they are being forcefed anti religion semantics.  I'm not one to take such matters lightly.  A few jokes here and there I can let slide but when it is EVERY FUCKING EPISODE, it grows old.  You can be funny, without bringing up religion.  I understand that he is an atheist and therefore doesn't like religion, but he's also said that he doesn't have a problem with religious people, if that's the case, then keep religion out of your humor, dude.  I thought his shit (sans religious jokes) was pretty effing witty, but now, I think he's tired. 
   I don't support him.  I can't support him.  I'm not even religious!  I'm spiritual.  I don't believe in organized religion.  I believe in my own special bond with God that can't be broken but I just can't support some a-hole who makes fun of religion because it just seems wrong to me.  I can't handle it. Therefore, I won't be watching Ted or anything that Seth Macfarlane is associated with.  It's kind of the same concept with Tom Cruise, I don't support him because I think he's an idiot.  Seth Macfarlane is kind of in that same category.

I'm glad at least CBS Cares...

   It's pretty crazy.  The first time I saw this commercial on CBS I was like "ARE YOU GUYS LISTENING TO THIS???" turns out no one was.  It's pretty fucking odd that no one listens to this shit considering I am bipolar so it kind of effects them too.  Then again, lately I tend to get the feeling that I don't matter to some people.  It's kind of sad now that I think of it.

   I know that I may be overreacting or whatever but the fact of the matter is this, this is how I feel.  People are making me feel this way, therefore something must be wrong. I've kind of started to pull away from some people for this particular reason.  I've spent years separating my emotions from things so this will just be another exercise in that skill that I've grown pretty good at over time.

   I'm fucking mentally ill.  I was traumatized as a child thereby fucking me over mentally pretty well for uhm let's see... hmmm... I'm sure the rest of my life.  I deserve a little slack.  I deserve a little love.  In fact, I need a little love.  This rough exterior that everyone seems to think is me... That's not me.  That's the me I had to become in order to not fall apart every effing day as a child, hell even as an adult.  The real me is someone who just needs people to fucking hug me and tell me that yes, in fact I am loved and people actually do give two fucking shits about me.

   I'm having a shit time getting out of this cycle and I just want to fall apart sometimes. I hate to think of what life would be like without my meds.  I just wish that more people would be understanding and realize that I'm not made of stone.  I'm flesh and blood.  I cry a lot over the way I feel lately.  I'm so tired of crying.  

A Pansexual Walks into a Bar...

   I'm writing this because lately I've been reading a lot of articles and blogs and also seeing a lot of news stories on television about hatred toward people based on their sexuality.  I'm not writing this to cause any sort of uproar or to make any sort of "point," I'm just simply writing from my heart.
   As a child I grew up insanely confused.  From a very young age I had developed a crush on Darlene from the TV show Roseanne.  Talk about not knowing WTF is going on in your head.  I'm not even sure how old I was.  All I know is that, I loved her.  Not in the way that I loved other girls like my best friend (at the time) or my mom, I loved her in a different way (the "I want to marry her" kind of way).  There was something about her.  That crush continued on as the show continued on and I watched the show even through the horrid 8th and 9th seasons (just for Darlene, my goodness, she got better with age).  I still watch reruns to this day.
   Now, Darlene wasn't my only crush.  I had other crushes on girls, not my friends.  Usually celebrities (Janeane Garofalo) or characters in movies (ie Angelina Jolie's character "Lisa" in Girl, Interrupted, Winona Ryder's character "Jo March" in Little Women).  Then when I was 14, I met this woman, she was in her early 20s and I absolutely had an insane crush on her.  I could NOT stop thinking about her.  Now, I never looked at other girls like this, so this was extremely confusing to me.  Was I a lesbian?
   I was only 14 and aside from celebrity crushes I had never met someone in person that I had actually been attracted to physically, until her.  I never said anything.  I just kept it all inside.  And for the next 4 years, there was never another female that I would be attracted to again in person until I met the first woman I would have a quasi relationship with.
   I never actively sought out relationships with women, but when I met this girl, there was just something about her that made every thing in my soul just crave her.  After this little fling, I was again left severely confused.  What was I? Was I gay?  Was I straight?  Was I bi?  Did I believe in bisexuality?
   For a while, I was just left confused and my fling with the woman left me thinking, "women are just like men, heartbreakers."  I had spoken with my parents and told them about my confusion because I had no clue what was going on in my head, I told them I might be gay, but what I really was, was confused.  They were fine with it.  They said I was young and needed to just grow to understand myself.  I never told the rest of my family that I had this confusion because I was worried about the whole religious repercussions that would come along with it.   I consider myself spiritual and I have a pretty strong bond with God, but I can't control the internal struggle that was going on within my soul.  It's not like I wanted to be sexually confused.
   After a while, and meeting a few guys and going on a few dates and still being attracted to men as well, I figured, I may have just been jaded and that may have been what caused my desire for that woman.  Then, a few months later, I met another girl and I instantly had that same feeling again.  I was just instantly attracted to her, I'm not sure what it was but the moment I met her I just wanted her.  Every part of my being was drawn to her.  It wasn't just a physical thing, it was more than that.  It took about 3 years before her and I ever acted on anything but, that same confusion came back to me.  After that, I figured, I must be bisexual.  I didn't look at all women and have attraction to them, I appreciate beauty, but that's the artist in me.  There are only certain women who draw out attraction and instantly make me just want to be with them, but then again, it's the same for men as well.
   Until recently, well about 3 years ago, I never knew what I was.  Now I know the term, I'm pansexual. I don't really care about a person's gender.  I'm not attracted to that.  It's really the person that I care about.  But damned if I wasn't confused as fuck for the last 20 or so years. For people to say that it's under a person's control who they are attracted to, I can speak from personal experience, it's really not.  If it were, I would have saved myself years of confusion.  Not only were those years when I didn't know if I was gay, straight, bi or what confusing, they were frustrating... and for people to try to condemn others for something that they can't control, that's just downright stupid.
   My heart hurts for those who don't get to have the same rights as I.  Just because I happened to fall in love with a man, doesn't mean that I couldn't have fallen just as easily for a woman, and if I did, I would want to have the same rights and privileges as everyone else.  I'm not sure why people feel the need to say what is "right" and "wrong" in love.  The matters of the heart do not belong in the mouths of Fast Food CEOs or any other asshole that wants to spread his hatred out to others.
   I may spew a lot of angry words, but damnit, on this matter, I want everyone to have equal rights.  It's only fair.  If I get to love publicly, everyone should be able to.

The Ugly Bag and a Pet Bow

   Today I need something distracting.  I think I may paint.  Yesterday I sewed a bag and crocheted a pet bow.  The bag was ok.  I think it's kind of ugly because of the fabric I used.  I will tell you why I used this fabric.  For one, I was testing out this pattern.  I've never made anything like it, so I didn't want to fuck it all up and waste good fabric and two, I don't really have much "good" fabric.
  I did however finish the bag, it came out like I wanted and I was pretty proud of my ugly bag.  CW said it looks like a Little House on the Prairie bag or something because of the fabric.

I had to remove the quilt to take the pic because I thought camouflage would offset the prairieness of it.  :) AND NO, your eyes do NOT deceive you... Those are pleats on the bag.  I'm still kind of a novice seamstress, so I was a little worried about doing pleats, but they weren't too bad.  There you have it, there's my ugly bag.  

  Also, the pet bows, which I'm thinking about adding to my Etsy shop, I TRIED SO EFFING HARD to get my damn dog to take a good pic for me but she started to sit pretty and lean back and look sad and look away... and out of like 20... this was what I got... 

Yeah, she looks pretty frickin cute.  My tubby Jasper is too tubby for this size bow and Wallo, well, she started making a weird face when I put the camera on her... she was fine otherwise.

ALWAYS Say Goodbye Nicely

   I consider CW and I to have a pretty good relationship.  I mean, we aren't perfect by any means, but we get along very well.  Most days I miss him while we are apart, (yes, I hope you caught the "most" part, we will get to that soon) and we usually have a good time while we are together.  He, for the most part, makes my heart happy.  There really isn't another person in the world for me. In all my 25 years before he and I became a couple, I never saw myself with anyone else for the rest of my life.  I'd try to force the idea upon myself, but in reality, it was never there. This, truly is there.  I see myself as a wrinkled old ass lady yelling at him to turn up the TV because I can't hear it, (okay, I'm lying, this is me now, but I can see a wrinkled version of myself doing it too).
   So anyway, Sunday night I fell asleep pretty early but CW didn't come to bed till like 5 hours after I did, so this like bugged the shit out of me, I know this because I woke up periodically throughout the night, as I always do (thank you ruiner of lives who fucked up my sleep for my entire life, pardon my angry moment).  Then, the next morning as his alarm was going off he didn't hear it because he had drank the night before and was in a heavy sleep so I kicked him awake. (Yeah, real mature on my end, I know.  I'm an asshole.)  I was still pissed off, what can I say, I hate going to bed alone, especially 5 hours alone.   Two, maybe even 3 hours would have been forgivable, but 5 is just.... WTF?  Especially when I had called out to him after 3 hours and then again after 4 hours.  He knows I have nightmares on a pretty regular basis and if obviously I'm half asleep calling out searching for his ass, then it's probably a bad night, yet he still continued whatever he was doing.  So yeah, I woke up in a kind of bad mood but I still was talking to him because I felt bad for kicking him awake.
   Then I asked him a question about the wording of something, for those who know, my bipolar medication makes my memory foggy and things take a while to come to me.  It's very frustrating on my end, but if what it takes for me to be a little more even is a little memory loss, then by all means, who the fuck am I?      Anyway, he wasn't very helpful and I was frustrated already because I couldn't remember a simple ass word and I told him he sucked and he got all huffy with me and said that I told him he wasn't as important as The Bloggess and I was like WTF??? But since he's always running late for work, I couldn't even argue with him so I was like whatever.  So he just said "I love you." and then left without kissing me goodbye.  Now this is where I am angry.  Yes, he may have said, I love you, but he didn't kiss me goodbye.  What if something shitty would have happened yesterday like I had a heart attack or a helicopter crashed into the house or some other fucked up scenario and he didn't kiss me goodbye???  Or something would have happened to him?  Then I would have never had that last kiss goodbye.  So I was like FUCK YOU after that.
   I started to calm down later on during the day, I half expected an apology text or call sometime during the day, but that never came, so I was like, well, maybe he'll come home with an apology Star Fucks drink or something, but NOPE.  Not one fucking thing.  He walked into the house like nothing fucking happened.  He tried to give me a kiss, but that pissed me off all over again.  Like, double time.  Try to act like everything was fucking normal. WHAT. THE. FUCK.  I was like completely happy up until that point too, sewing on my happy machine and shit.
   So as he tried to kiss me hello I pulled away and said, "NOW, you wanna kiss me?" and scoffed.  So he walked away.  I didn't really talk to him much, during Jeopardy! he apologized for his actions that morning and I said , "yeah" (again, I'm an asshole) then he said, "That's all you're gonna say is 'yeah'?" and I said, "what do you want me to say, CW?" and he said, "That you forgive me." so I said, "ok, I forgive you." In the most dry tone in the world, (again, I repeat, I am an asshole, not only a term for men).
   It just really bothers me that I have to sit here all day and worry about what bad shit is going to possibly happen that I may not be able to kiss the love of my life again, I know that it's a stupid fucking thing to worry about, I know this, I'm not completely braindead.  Yet, it's something I will always do.  It's like asking the world to fuck with you when you do something like that.  Something shitty always happens to me.  Like, I painted my cousin a painting he'd been asking for, for like 3 years, I saw him the day after I painted it, I had like 2 months before his birthday before I was going to be able to give it to him, I wanted to tell him about it, but it was a surprise, I didn't say shit to him.  Later that night he died from alcohol poisoning thinking that no one loved him and he never knew about the painting that I did just for him, BTW he would be my age today had he not died 3 years ago.  Then 12 years before that I was sick with a stupid cold so I didn't visit my grandpa so I didn't get him or my grandma sick and then he fucking dies on me before I was able to say goodbye.  It's shit like that that scares the fuck out of me and makes it so that I have these fucking fears of losing people when you do fucked up shit like NOT KISSING SOMEONE GOODBYE WHEN YOU LEAVE FOR WORK.
   I know it may be trivial for some people, but I'm bipolar, so I'm blaming that.

Waiting for my new circular needles!

I haven't really written much lately.  The reason for that is because I've been obsessed with trying to re-learn how to knit again.  You see, I missed knitting and after not doing it for so long, my brain was like, uh what?
   It really wasn't like hopping back on a bicycle (although I'm sure my brain would be like, uh what? on that aspect too).  I'm so used to crocheting that I had to get used to the mechanics of knitting again.  Not only that, I was trying something completely different on knitting than what I had before when I knit, circular needles.  I'd never tried them before.  See, I'm a SUPER basic knitter.  Not even knit 1 purl 1.  More like knit knit knit... I never really got past the simple learning aspect.  I'm like not even in knitting 101, more like knitting for dumbasses.  So over the last few days I've been slowly working with the cheapass circular needles I bought off ebay for like $2 (you SERIOUSLY get what you pay for) and I made a couple of beanie-ish things.  The first thing I did was really loose and my dog, Jasper saw it and just wanted it, so I gave it to him (he loves yarn toys) so after he and I had a game of tug o war with it, it's not really anything more than a headband like thing now (he ripped the top with his teefs).  HOWEVER, the second thing I made was pretty cute.  I made it with my friend in mind who is currently with child.  So since she's having a fall babeh, I thought about a pumpkin!  and created this:

Since I created that, I thought, hmmmm I wonder if I could do my boobies like this too?  So I made a boobie, but that's when my cheapie circular needles started going icky on me AFTER ONLY THREE projects.  :(  Well, I asked my beloved what he thought about me ordering a nice set of circular needles from KnitPicks (interchangeable try me set!) and he thought it was a good idea, so I used some of the lasts of our reserved birthday money and ordered em.  

   So my boobie beanie was CLOSE to what I'd want my boobies to look like, I'm almost there.  I did it in weird colors so I wouldn't waste my good boob yarn and you guessed it, Jasper saw the boobie and wanted that too... This one, he wouldn't play tug o' war with.  Weird dog.