Sure, give me a moment to paint on my smile!

   I have a million thoughts and emotions flowing through my head so forgive me if this rambles or doesn't make any sense.  I know usually I have issues with staying focused anyway and I blame bipolar, today it's a mix of all things emotional.
   For 25 years I had to hold in every emotion I felt so everything translated to anger.  Therefore, anger is my default emotion.  I'm having to relearn how to be happy.  I'm having to relearn how to not fake every emotion.  I'm trying my damnedest not to act anymore.  I had to do that for the majority of my life.  I don't want to pretend anymore.
   I think it's unfair to be angry at me for having emotions or for not faking my way through life.  If everyone wants that, I can do that again.  I can be the shell that I once was.  Why am I not good enough as is?  Is my question...

Where the fuck have I been?

Well, in short, I've been with my dad.  Every day since July 26th.  First we were at the hospital until he was discharged last Tuesday and at my parents' house ever since then.
   You may be asking, why?  Well, my dad had bypass surgery on the 27th and had he not had that surgery, I could have lost him.  We even could have lost him during the surgery.  I write this with tears in my eyes and     snot running down my face because you don't understand... My dad is only 47.  He is one of my best friends.  I love him more than I could even put into words.
   My parents and I have a special relationship that I haven't seen in many families.  Some of my friends freak out at the way I speak to my parents but, it's never been strange to me because as I've said before, my parents are two of my best friends.  I'm lucky to have them.
  See, if I didn't have the parents that I do, I would not be the person I am today.  I know I'm a little fucking nuts and I've got quirks up the ass, but if my parents were not who they are, I don't think I would have even made it this far in life (I'm talking about life, period) because my parents gave me a reason to live.
   Now I have many reasons to live.  I even have a partner in life.
   I knew when I made the decision to move less than 5 minutes away from my parents, it was the right one.  Cuz driving back and forth between houses all day would suck if I lived farther. :)

I'm glad at least CBS Cares...

   It's pretty crazy.  The first time I saw this commercial on CBS I was like "ARE YOU GUYS LISTENING TO THIS???" turns out no one was.  It's pretty fucking odd that no one listens to this shit considering I am bipolar so it kind of effects them too.  Then again, lately I tend to get the feeling that I don't matter to some people.  It's kind of sad now that I think of it.

   I know that I may be overreacting or whatever but the fact of the matter is this, this is how I feel.  People are making me feel this way, therefore something must be wrong. I've kind of started to pull away from some people for this particular reason.  I've spent years separating my emotions from things so this will just be another exercise in that skill that I've grown pretty good at over time.

   I'm fucking mentally ill.  I was traumatized as a child thereby fucking me over mentally pretty well for uhm let's see... hmmm... I'm sure the rest of my life.  I deserve a little slack.  I deserve a little love.  In fact, I need a little love.  This rough exterior that everyone seems to think is me... That's not me.  That's the me I had to become in order to not fall apart every effing day as a child, hell even as an adult.  The real me is someone who just needs people to fucking hug me and tell me that yes, in fact I am loved and people actually do give two fucking shits about me.

   I'm having a shit time getting out of this cycle and I just want to fall apart sometimes. I hate to think of what life would be like without my meds.  I just wish that more people would be understanding and realize that I'm not made of stone.  I'm flesh and blood.  I cry a lot over the way I feel lately.  I'm so tired of crying.