My Christmas Nightmare

   A few nights before Christmas, I had my first episode of ISP (Isolated Sleep Paralysis) and it was the scariest fucking thing I've ever experienced.
   I was asleep when I felt one of the cats run past my legs so I popped awake and as I was looking for the cat, I felt the comforter press down on my right arm, it felt like my cat Chuck was walking toward me, but I looked and saw only the comforter move down and NOTHING WAS THERE.  I started to freak the fuck out and tried to move my left arm to throw the covers off, BUT I COULDN'T!
   It felt like I was being pinned down by some unknown being.  I finally was able to get my left arm free and throw the blankets off and my heart was racing.  I then covered myself and went back to sleep. I couldn't shake this when I woke up, however.  I was still freaked the fuck out.   When we woke up that morning, I told CW about this and he told me that he'd read about Sleep Paralysis and what I had explained to him sounded exactly like that.
   I was at first telling him, "No, I think that fucking ghost is fucking with me."  Then I thought about it, and said, "Well, it could have been a hallucination, although my hallucinations are usually only audio..." He shook his head and said, "I'm pretty sure it was sleep paralysis."  So, I spent that entire day feeling off kilter because I was unsure of what was going on.
   Later that day CW was reading to me about sleep paralysis and it sounded fucking spot on.  I hate that I had to experience this and I hope that no one ever has to go through what I did.  All I felt was fear.  I would never wish this upon anyone.
   I hope that I never experience that again.  Since that night, I have decided to take a break from crafting for a bit because I was so anxious about getting everything done, I think that all the stress it what caused this episode.  So, I'm taking a few days off to gather my bearings and read a bit.  To all those that I love and owe gifts to, please, accept my apology for their tardiness.

Sure, give me a moment to paint on my smile!

   I have a million thoughts and emotions flowing through my head so forgive me if this rambles or doesn't make any sense.  I know usually I have issues with staying focused anyway and I blame bipolar, today it's a mix of all things emotional.
   For 25 years I had to hold in every emotion I felt so everything translated to anger.  Therefore, anger is my default emotion.  I'm having to relearn how to be happy.  I'm having to relearn how to not fake every emotion.  I'm trying my damnedest not to act anymore.  I had to do that for the majority of my life.  I don't want to pretend anymore.
   I think it's unfair to be angry at me for having emotions or for not faking my way through life.  If everyone wants that, I can do that again.  I can be the shell that I once was.  Why am I not good enough as is?  Is my question...

"Avoid popularity if you would have peace."

   I was just thinking that I'd like to be more political so I could sound more intellectual to those people who think that the more you know about politics, the smarter you are.  You know the type right?  I mean, I'm not completely ignorant on the subject, I just try not to get too involved in things anymore.  You see, I have this tendency to get obsessed with things.  I mean obsessed. I blame my OCD.  To answer your question, no, I don't have the cool kind of OCD where I get obsessive about cleaning and organization, I have a stupid counting compulsion (another blog, for another day).
   I remember when I was younger I became obsessed with the first election I was like 4 months shy of being able to vote for.  It was shitty.  It consumed the majority of my time. I try not to let things do that to me anymore.  It's just frustrating to me because there is so much other shit that I enjoy doing rather than spending my time obsessing over things that give me anxiety.
   Ah, my anxiety, yet another reason I prefer NOT to become so political.  I've noticed that a lot of political people tend to be, well, aggressive (for lack of a better word).  It's like you say something they don't agree with and I'll be damned if they don't do research for 3 hours to try to rip you a new asshole.  It's like, damn can't we just agree to disagree?
   So rather than spend my time becoming political and arguing about things that I know for a fact are just going to be a waste of time because 1) it's hard to change people's convictions when it comes to politics, and 2) I really don't want to change people's opinions I just want to state mine, I just spend my time becoming well rounded in other aspects of life.
   I enjoy learning about many different things.  I like watching documentaries.  I like reading a shit ton of books.  I love researching different artistic mediums. I love research, period.  I love doing crafts.  I love watching my animals interact and just watching their behavior in general.  I also spend tons of time over thinking pretty much, everything.
   I don't necessarily think that makes me boring or uneducated by any means as some "political" people may think, I'm just not willing to get into a pointless argument (yes, it's pointless to me because anything that causes anxiety for absolutely no reason is pointless) on a daily basis to defend my opinions.  I have them, they are there.  I'll voice them on other subjects, but not to someone who will get so aggressive and be willing to rip me a new one just to make themselves feel superior (congrats, you tore down an unstable person).
   So maybe I was wrong at the beginning... maybe I was thinking I'd like to become less political?  ;)

*side note: if this blog made you want to rip me a new asshole, then you may be political.