"My Funny Valentine..."

   Typically, my husband and I don't celebrate Valentine's day, I have many reasons for this.  One is because I was always made to feel like shit throughout my teenage years and early twenties when I didn't have a Valentine. I know one would think, "hey why not celebrate now that you have a forever Valentine?"  Well, I'm also pretty practical with things, money being one of them.  I don't feel it necessary to "show" how much I'm "loved" on one fucking day that was created for the consumer.
   I like to be shown how loved I am on a daily basis.  Not necessarily with items that cost money, but with the little things.  I feel I am worth being loved EVERY day, not just one day a year.  My husband gets it.
   This year, I felt the love bug.  I wonder if it's because I follow a lot of crafty people and facebook pages that were prepping for Valentine's day, it just made me super lovey.  I was hit with the love bug.  I didn't start preparing days in advance or anything and I didn't expect anything from my husband since we normally treat Valentine's day as if it were any other day.
   The night before Valentine's day, I was antsy and couldn't fall asleep.  I started browsing the web and saw some cute e-cards, well I couldn't just send him an e-card when I could damn well draw my own pic and I have plenty of plain white cards to do it on.  I sketched it out first, then took to card with my drawing pencils.  I gave him the card after work and he was like "whaaaa?  are we celebrating now?"  I told him no, I just wanted to do something for him since I love him so and I'm not as expressive with love as my hubby unless it's with something done creatively.
   I wrote a couple of poems and entered a contest.  Was hoping to win and show him that my words of love for him were award winning, but I didn't win.  So since the winners were announced on Valentine's day, I also emailed him the poems I wrote him.
   I also have lots of friends with kids who are able to do activities with them and give them Valentines and whatnot, so seeing those pics also warmed my heart.  My stepson is way too old for all that so I don't really have anyone to do it for so last night, I made my furry babies some Valentines.  I made little heart collar medallions for the girl pups and for Jasper a stuffed heart toy.  I also made a toy for the cats and put catnip in it.  That was it.  It wasn't like I was going nutso for the day, I just wanted to show a little love with hearts.
   I've found that the happier I am, the more I want to show my love.  I received a Valentine from Kim Lovey and Cherub and that just made my night.  It was unexpected and awesome.  I love unexpected gifts from the heart.
   My dad even made my mom a Valentine and that made me smile.  It was cute.  My dad is NOT someone you'd expect to do that.  I saw the card today while I was visiting and it made me proud to have such awesome parents.
   So, in essence I'm not pro or anti Valentine's day, I'm Sweden.  This year, cupid just happened to catch me off guard.  Cupid for love of friends, family and furry babies.

There is no time frame for being thankful...

  This year I didn't really say what I was thankful for around Thanksgiving time as I usually do.  I thought about blogging, but as far as sitting down and doing it, I failed.  So today, I am doing it.  It's not like it's ever to late to give thanks right?

   First off, I am absolutely thankful for my husband.  He is the one person who has to deal with me on a daily basis and that is no easy feat.  He has made my house, our home.  He has given me a reason to take care of my mental ailments and he makes life better.  He does anything he can to make me happy and although I rarely show it, deep down, I am.

   I am thankful to have my parents in my life.  When life has been shitty and I hate everything, I know that I will always love my parents and have two best friends that I can go to for solace and love.  This year has been a better year than last because my dad has not had to have any types of surgeries or hospital stays.  My mom is such a rock, I could never be as strong as her.

   I am thankful for having a best friend who checks in on me when I'm antisocial and who gets me.  She lets me know that she loves me and she makes me so thankful to have her in my life.  I've had lots of friends who have left when things got rough with me and I pushed them away, she has never allowed me to push her away even when I used my all and said every nasty thing ever.  For that, I am ever so grateful.

   I am thankful for my in-laws who have given me a family when I lost my own.  I have the most adorable nephews, the best sister in law and the two most awesome brother in laws ever.  My ma in law makes me feel welcome and loved and my pa in law makes me laugh.  My stepson is getting to be so tall... it's ridiculous.  I'm lucky to have them as my family.

  I am thankful for the family that I do keep in contact with because they have been there for me and believed me when I feared the worst.  My grandma and great aunts show me love and support when I need it the most.

   I am thankful for my friends near and far that help get me through things and understand me.  I haven't met many of them in person but they have shown me more love than people I've known my entire life.  I am forever and ever thankful for the internet for giving me these lovelies that have made daily life more interesting than it would have been.  You guys know who you are.

   I am thankful for my furry babies, when the world decided that I could not bare human children, God gave them to me.  A furry baby's love is the true definition of unconditional.  They do not care what you look like, what mood you are in, how you dress, if you brush your hair or put on make up... they just love you.

   I am thankful that I got to know my Great Grandma and had her in my life for thirty years.  I miss her so much and can't believe she's actually gone.  My heart still aches and there are parts of it that are now empty because she is not here.  I will forever be grateful for every single memory I have of her.

   I'm thankful for my therapist because she has helped me get through the toughest last few years.  She has helped me to understand things about myself that I couldn't wrap my head around.

   I'm thankful to have a roof over my head and love in my heart.  I am thankful for my bond with The Lord above and all the many blessings that have been given to me.  My life hasn't been peaches and cream, but some days, it sure feels like it has been because the people around me make me forget.

When my filter shuts down...

   Usually, I try to be polite with most things I say.  However, sometimes my mouth speaks a lot faster than I can process the fact that what I just said was inappropriate.  I do this quite often, even without knowing a lot of times.  It's only when we get home and my husband reminds me that the things I say can often be hurtful and then I am reminded that I sometimes suck.

   The things I say are usually impulse thoughts and not the way I really feel.  For that moment in time when I am too busy inserting my foot in my mouth, it's like I'm absent and I don't even realize that not everyone in the world understands what it's like to be an asshole without knowing.  I willfully admit that I am an asshole and I have said some very hurtful things that I don't mean but that I know will hurt someone and I say it only because at that moment, I am hurt.

  I wish that there was a way for me to pause myself before I say most things because in life, there is no rewind button.  You don't get a redo.  You can't take away things that you say that hurt others.  I know this because I too am a victim of assholes.  I remember most hurtful things that people say or have said to me and I have a hard time forgetting no matter what.

   The medication I'm on makes me forget the most basic of things, like what I was going to do, simple words, what I did five minutes ago... etc... but it can't make me forget assholey things that have been said to me.

   I also harp on things that I said.  I want to take 90% of the hurtful shit I've said back, but I can't.  I can just sit and ponder and worry that the people I love won't love me anymore.  I do this for hours.  I dream about it and even after weeks have past, I get that awful feeling in the pit of my stomach.

   It really fucking sucks because I'm stuck in this roller coaster of emotions and I don't usually fast cycle so I'm stuck being depressed for long periods of time.  I rarely get manic.  This may sound like a good thing for some, but for me, I'd rather be manic because that's when I'm most creative.  I don't need sleep (I can't get any at least) and I don't want to just stare at the wall as I often do when I'm depressed.  I'm not as lost in my head, but then during my mania, I can sometimes be a super asshole without even realizing what a dick I am because I can't stay focused on just one thought... then once my super asshole action is brought to my attention, I drop into a deep depression and can't let it go.

   I feel that right now.  I feel like my mind is just shutting out everything else and just making me think of every asshole thing I've done.  I cry a lot.  I cry when I don't mean to.  I cry when I don't want to.  I cry constantly.

   I'm not even sure that what I've written  makes any sense because I can't think straight.  I hate being bipolar so much.  I hate having all these issues that make me a nightmare.  I hate that I can't even understand why anyone would love me.

One year later...

   Yesterday (4/20/2013) was our one year wedding anniversary.  Granted, CW and I have been together for almost 5 years but our first wedding anniversary was special to us.  We celebrated traditionally with paper and by paper we decided to write each other letters.  Our letters were supposed to be quick little notes, well CW made me promise to stick to ONE page and I did so, yet he wrote me this beautiful four page letter.  It brought tears of happiness to my eyes and solidified my thought process that came to me as I was writing my letter to him.
   When I'm writing, thoughts come to me.  They fly in and out of my brain.  Sometimes when I'm driving home or sitting there, they do the same thing to me and I try to catch them before I forget so I get them worded just right.
   What I've come to understand after these last few years is that, I really and truly am blessed.  I now know that everything that I had to suffer through and go through previously, all the hurt with the crap my cousin did to me.  The crap I went/[am going] through with being mentally ill, being bullied for my appearance, every guy I ever dated who treated me poorly, just all the hurt I suffered in my life... for all of this, I am being blessed with the gift of a man who treats me like a queen.  A man who makes me feel like I am such a catch.  A man who makes me feel beautiful and intelligent and wonderful.  A man who accepts all my flaky shit and doesn't make me feel like absolute crap for being a bipolar mess.  A man who deals with my counting compulsion and the fact that I have to do things in a certain way or I feel like I'm going to vomit.  A man who deals with my whining and doesn't make me feel like I'm whining.  A man who never calls me names or says anything negative about me.  He is my gift.   My gift for all the bad that I've had to deal with.
   CW and I are not perfect, we fight and we disagree but that's because we are only human.  We are going to do these things, that doesn't mean that we are a bad couple, the fact is, CW is truly my other half.  I love him more than I could ever explain with words or actions... I can try, but anything I say or do could never be enough to let him know how much I love him.  
 
   With all that being said, my husband and I had a wonderful day together.  We started the day by having breakfast with my parents.  They took us out so they could give us our gift it was paper of the monetary kind ($$$) :) and then we went out to get a boba tea (my fave) and pick up our replica of our wedding cake top.  Which was adorable PLUS we did not have to eat year old cake.  Then we went to my parents' house to take my dad a boba tea and hang out for a little while and then came home and relaxed and decided to go out to dinner at Azuma the sushi and teppan restaurant where CW proposed to me.  It was also the place we went to for our one year anniversary back in 2009 and CW proposed there in 2011.  So it has sentimental value.  It's kinda "our" place.  After stuffing our faces, we came home and had a piece of our cake and watched Wreck It Ralph which was cute and then we played COD: Black OPs II till we got tired then we turned on 30 Rock and fell asleeps.  It was a busy day and a good one.  I only had minor anxiety while we were getting boba.  Oh and we ordered a clock that has a different bird sound every hour to celebrate our one year wedding anniversary the modern way as well.  CW said he wanted something geeky and unique like me.  I thought that would be pretty unique in our home since it wouldn't really fit in with anything and I thought I'd like the bird sounds.

Now, here's our wedding song for all of you to enjoy.

Somewhere in between feminist and whatever the opposite of that is...

   I've been reading The Feminist and The Cowboy: An Unlikely Love Story by my favorite author Alisa Valdes.  I read all her books and although I never really cared for the cowboy when I read about him via her blog and other social media, I still wanted to get into her head to see what she saw in him.  

   This is by no means a review, this is just a little something I'm picking up on and thinking about while reading her book.  From my interpretation of what I've read so far, Alisa was raised in a home where chivalry was pretty much dead.  That makes me kind of sad for her, yet grateful that I was raised in a home where chivalry was not only alive and kicking, but was ingrained into my head.  

   My dad always opened doors for my mom and I and I was taught to wait till a door was opened for me because that's what ladies do, we have doors opened for us and men open doors.  My dad also taught me that men come to me.  I do not run out to a man, he comes to a door for me.  He would always tell me that if a guy were to ever honk a horn and expect me to run out he would expect not me, but my dad pulling him out of the car showing him how to show respect.  

   My dad is a tough guy.  A macho guy.  A strong man.  I always knew I would never want to be with a wimp that I would have to protect.  I always knew that I would want a man that could protect me.  I always knew that I would want a man.  

   I also grew up knowing that I could be anything I wanted to be.  My mother is a strong woman.  My mother taught me that yes, a man needs to be a man, but I need to be able to take care of myself because men may not always be there.  So for years I thought I of myself as somewhat of a feminist.  However, I guess I never really looked into feminism and I suppose that's why my mom always rolled her eyes at my teenage self when I would say such things.  

  I'm not really a feminist.  I'm not really whatever the opposite of feminist is... I'm not traditional by any means.  I have a strong personality which my husband has to deal with.  I'm a bit controlling and that goes back to not having control over what happened to me as a child.  My husband has learned to accept this.  He doesn't like it, but he loves me enough to accept it.   I'm working on it, as we both work on things in our relationship.  

   Being that I am a latina, I grew up seeing men with these machismo mentalities and I did know one thing, I never wanted a guy to try to control me the way I saw in relationships as a young person.  That was the one thing I knew I would never let happen, that could also be another reason why I tend toward the more controlling side of things, I've expressed this to my husband as well.  He understands.  

   I suppose that's why my husband and I work.  My husband is a gentleman.  He opens doors for me, carries bags for me, he treats me like a lady.  He protects me.  I feel completely safe with him. I know he's a man.  Yet, my husband doesn't try to control me or make me feel like his word is the end all.  We both make decisions together.  We aren't 50/50 by any means.  In some aspects of our life he takes the lead and in some I do.  

Jasper

   I know that like a lot of parents, I tend to speak a lot about my babies, however in my case, my "children" are of the furry, four legged flavor.  I often find myself countering someone's funny tales and anecdotes about their kiddos with my own about my pups and kitties.  To the non-pet lover this may not seem like any sort of comparison, but to those of us who love our furry babies, oh trust me, it compares.
   Now, really the reason for this blog today is to talk about my precious Jasper.  I know, it's shitty of me to write about just one of my furry babies, but unless one of them breaks into my lap top, I don't think we have to worry about any real jealousy here.
   The reason why I am singling out Jasper is because I believe Jasper was truly sent to me as a gift.  I needed him in my life and he found us.  Literally.  When we first saw Jasper he was just so fucking adorable with his big ass ears and jumping all over my mom's neighbor, we didn't think anything of it.  Then we found out he was *gasp* an abandoned puppy.  We couldn't just leave him so we took him to the vet to check and see if this adorable little baby was micro chipped.  He was not.  We put an ad in the paper, no one claimed him after 2 weeks.  I didn't even want him at first, no matter how fucking cute he was because he was a destructive little asshole who ruined a bunch of shit AND chewed through my laptop cord.  I was livid.
   CW, however was pretty adamant about wanting to keep the little bugger so, we did. We got him fixed and micro chipped and boom!  He was ours.  Now, almost 4 years later he has become one of the greatest dogs I have ever owned.  I love him to pieces and he makes my heart melt daily.  With his breed it is said that:

"The ACD [Australian Cattle Dog] needs to be handled firmly yet fairly, and it is totally loyal and obedient to its master, and it's a one-person dog." -http://www.terrificpets.com/dog_breeds/Australian_Cattle_Dog.asp

   I happen to be the lucky one that Jasper chose to be his person.   Not to say that Jasper doesn't love CW tons but let's just say, if he had to chose one of us to save from a burning building, adios, Honey!
   Not only is Jasper a really good companion to me, but I have managed to train him to be somewhat of a service dog.  How?  or Why?  You might ask.  Well, you see Jasper is insanely smart and I swear he knows what I'm saying most of the time, and he's very easy to train.  I have some health issues where it hurts to move sometimes of it hurts to bend (I've blogged about 'em before) and my immune system is shitty due to my health crap so sometimes I'm not 100% and when I'm doing things around the house like laundry or hell, sometimes even if I'm not if I'm just knitting or crocheting and I drop something I might need help because when I bend down to get something I get shooting pain and then it fucking sucks.  So I just call Jasper and boom, he picks up whatever I need.  Sometimes I don't even need to call him, he hears something hit the floor and he's there to pick it up.  He's that damn good.
   Not only does he do that but he also breaks up cat fights, he throws away trash, he takes things to my husband in a different room or brings things to me from my husband in a different room. He helps make up the bed, he alerts us to when the older dogs have to go outside to potty.  He helps put away his toys (he has tons of them too), he'll watch movies/tv with you, he'll help pick up laundry, sometimes, he'll even sing a song with you.  He's such an amazing dog.  I'm lucky and blessed to have him.   I'm not saying that my other furry babies aren't special they are, they are very special, but Jasper, Jasper goes that extra mile to make sure that his two legged Momma is feeling okay and if I'm not, he does whatever he can to make sure that he can make me better.  I'm so thankful my hubby talked me into keeping him.

One Happy Turkey...

   This morning I woke up in a haze of extreme exhaustion and a desire to get working on our dishes for Thanksgiving dinner.  I was making mac and cheese casserole for my ma in law's and this pudding dessert to take over to my parents' house afterward.  So, CW and I started cooking at 9 this morning (I went to bed around 4ish but woke up at 8 and watched Scrooged) as we listened to Christmas tunes.  We were simultaneously making our dishes, I told CW what he needed to do for the pudding and he did it (an amazing job might I add) he really didn't need me to tell him much he's made it before plenty of times I just give him the exact measurements is all and I was busy making my mac and cheese.  I wasn't sure how much to make so I make a huge quantity because I wanted to have more than necessary than not enough...

   We finished and then headed to my ma in law's a little early and when we got there I helped my sister in law in the kitchen with a few things... I love spending time with her, she makes me laugh so much.  Then my ma in law came down and the three of us finished up in the kitchen... well, actually CW did help with the mashed taters.  

  It was such a great day.  I had so much fun being with my family.  Spending time with my family makes me so happy.  I love seeing my nephews... although Hayden wasn't there, I still thought of him.  

   After dinner we hung out for a while and then CW and I headed to my parents' house to spend the rest of the evening with them.  I had a really good evening.  Being with my parents is always nice.  They are two of my best friends after all.  

   All in all, today was an amazing day.  I'm so thankful for everything.  

I've re-joined the employed masses!

   So, after being out of work for almost a year, I finally got a job!  I started Monday and I love it.  However, on the shitty side I caught a crappy cold last Thursday and had to spend all weekend in bed and I still have yet to fully recover almost a week later.  I sound like Chandler Bing's dad.  SEXY.
   I go to bed at 10 every night and wake up at 5 every morning.  It's weird to be on such a schedule but I think the cold medicine helps with the passing out.  Jasper follows me around in the mornings and tries to entice me to stay home with his stuffed animals and cute face.  I know his cute ass misses me.  I miss my furry babies too, but damnit, I can't wait to have an actual paycheck!  CW and I are so broke we can barely afford to pay attention.  We're living on love :)
   My stupid cold put me out of commission for a few days so, I wasn't able to work on projects, which sucked ass.  I'm pretty much done with an order, I just need to take pictures but they come out best in natural light and today's light was overcast when I got home from work because it was rainy.  HOORAY for the rain!  Boo for the lighting :(
   So, that's why I've been so quiet on the interwebs lately, I've been recovering from deathcold and WORKING!  HUZZAH!!!  Once I get over this deathcold thing, I'm sure I'll be better at managing things, but for now all I do is rest, rest, rest when I'm home.  You all (the few who read this) are in my thoughts!

You Crazy, Crazy Man.

    Four years ago today I sat at work and secretly sent messages to the guy I was dating/spending every night with.  In one of those messages was a somewhat cryptic message saying something about us being exclusive.  Now me, being the psychotic person that I am, I have to read into everything and make sure I understand exactly what is going on, so later that night when I got to CW's house I was like, "so does this mean you're like my boyfriend now?" and he was like, "well, if you want to be my girlfriend..." So then became us.
   After nearly two months of dating and showing him how amazing I am and how much his life would suck without me, he gave in.  I already knew my life sucked without him.  I had to suffer the years before seeing him with other women who didn't deserve him, the women who treated him like poo (and not in the way that I do, the crappy kind).  I may be kinda bitchy and shit, but like I love CW insane amounts.  I do a lot for him that people may not see.  They may see the shit that he does for me and think that I'm just a pampered princess and blahblahblah but, I do shit too.
   So anywho... that was 4 years ago and ever since then, my life has been nothing but a blur.  Time has just flown by and they were not even lying when they said time flies when you're having fun.  It doesn't even seem like 4 years has gone by.  In fact, it seems like just yesterday we were going on our first official date or going to that Rehab concert. 
   I have so many wonderful memories with CW that life just seems right.  I honestly am one of the lucky ones to be with a best friend, soul mate and someone who can stand my mental ass, let alone living with me. 
   So to the only man in the world who could handle the job, yes, it IS a job, I love you and HAPPY ANNIVERSARY!  (he reads my blogs, just never comments on 'em here, just to me)

Dear Sleep, I miss you

   I've been really tired lately, like really tired.  I can't sleep at night and even when I'm REALLY tired, like falling asleep standing up- kind of tired, when it comes to the going to bed part, my mind wakes up and is like "HEY!  Do you know all the shit you could be doing right now?"  So then I'm mentally writing all this shit in my head and my brain just will not turn the fuck off and then the next thing I know, it's 3 hours later and I am STILL awake.

   I never really liked sleeping because I know that sleep takes away from the other things I could be doing with my life, but ever since I have failed to get a "normal" nights' sleep in such a long time... I really frickin miss sleeping.  It's weird for me to crave sleep.  I don't mind this kind of sleep though, lately when I do fall asleep, it's been so hard that it feels like a dreamless sleep, which is a lot better than nightmares.

   It's also 8 days till my 4 year anniversary with my beloved.  These years have flown by.  It's like, one minute I'm a 25 year old Ice Queen who hates the entire male population and the next, I'm completely and totally in love and all the ice that surrounded my heart has melted away.  I know I suck sometimes and can be hard to live with, but hey, we make it work.  Our balance sometimes get,  a little off, but it goes back.  The only thing I know is that there is only one person in this world that truly was made for me.  It's rare to find that person who completes you and makes your heart feel whole, especially after it's been shattered and damaged by the curveballs that life threw and knocked it down with...

Spending QT with My Furry Babies

   This morning I was taking my beloved to go pick up the truck from my parents' house and before we were leaving the dogs were being so cute.  It was almost as though they were begging me not to leave.  Okay, I get it guys, I've been gone a lot.  Even my autistic dog (I'll explain) was acting super cute and loving which is completely out of character for her.
   I know it seems weird, but my dog exhibits signs of autism.  I'll write about it and how I came to this conclusion in another blog, another time later.
   I explained to the dogs that I'd be right back and true to my word, I came right back.  The house didn't look like a rave happened while I was gone all of 13 minutes either like it did on Tuesday, so that was a good thing.  I gave my furry babies treats for being good and now they are taking naps on our king size bed. Yes, it is our bed.  My beloved and I got a larger bed when our dogs couldn't fit comfortably on our full size bed with us when we added a 3rd dog to our family 3 years ago.  I don't know who does that.  Seriously.
   My parents dogs are great.  They are super effing cute and fun to hang out with, but they aren't my dogs.  My dogs listen to me, my parents' dogs don't.  Granted, I understand they are still puppy-ish, but I'm used to my dogs coming when they are called and my super psychotically smart Jasper who knows how to help make the frickin bed and throws trash in a trash can (I have witness who can vouch for these tasks).
   Besides, who wouldn't want to spend the day with these faces?

 Wallo being innocent.

Patchik being sweet.

Jasper playing with his beloved yarn barf.

   

Four Years and 2 Clogged Tear Ducts

   I know I've been slightly absent after posting pretty regularly for a while, but I've been spending the majority of my days back and forth between my house and my parents' house during the day and at night I'm so wiped out, all I wanna do is just let my mind be blank for a few.
   I feel so tired.  I don't mind doing things for my dad at all because I think of the alternative in which he is not here for me to do things for.  The thing is, I still worry about my dad.  Not only him, but my mom.  I know that her worry makes it hard for her to really get rest therefore I don't rest.  I wake up several times throughout the night with that elevator feeling in my gut and I don't know what it is.  I check my phones to make sure I'm not missing calls from my mom and I'm not, so I'm ok there, but I still worry.
   I think I'm really drained emotionally because I never really cried.  I cried a little here and there but I tried to keep my emotions in check because I didn't want to bring that bad energy around while my dad was getting prepared for surgery or while he was in the hospital.  So I have all this pent up grief that I need to expel.  I know it may be hard for some to understand, but I feel all clogged up.  I need to release these tears that I never got to purge from my system.
 

   On another note in 2 weeks it will be my Beloved and I's 4 year anniversary.  Four years. I mean, we've been dating for over 4 years already but as an official couple, 4 years together on 8/22.  CW and I have rough spots and we argue here and there, we are not perfect by any means, but he was definitely Made for Me.  

A Pansexual Walks into a Bar...

   I'm writing this because lately I've been reading a lot of articles and blogs and also seeing a lot of news stories on television about hatred toward people based on their sexuality.  I'm not writing this to cause any sort of uproar or to make any sort of "point," I'm just simply writing from my heart.
   As a child I grew up insanely confused.  From a very young age I had developed a crush on Darlene from the TV show Roseanne.  Talk about not knowing WTF is going on in your head.  I'm not even sure how old I was.  All I know is that, I loved her.  Not in the way that I loved other girls like my best friend (at the time) or my mom, I loved her in a different way (the "I want to marry her" kind of way).  There was something about her.  That crush continued on as the show continued on and I watched the show even through the horrid 8th and 9th seasons (just for Darlene, my goodness, she got better with age).  I still watch reruns to this day.
   Now, Darlene wasn't my only crush.  I had other crushes on girls, not my friends.  Usually celebrities (Janeane Garofalo) or characters in movies (ie Angelina Jolie's character "Lisa" in Girl, Interrupted, Winona Ryder's character "Jo March" in Little Women).  Then when I was 14, I met this woman, she was in her early 20s and I absolutely had an insane crush on her.  I could NOT stop thinking about her.  Now, I never looked at other girls like this, so this was extremely confusing to me.  Was I a lesbian?
   I was only 14 and aside from celebrity crushes I had never met someone in person that I had actually been attracted to physically, until her.  I never said anything.  I just kept it all inside.  And for the next 4 years, there was never another female that I would be attracted to again in person until I met the first woman I would have a quasi relationship with.
   I never actively sought out relationships with women, but when I met this girl, there was just something about her that made every thing in my soul just crave her.  After this little fling, I was again left severely confused.  What was I? Was I gay?  Was I straight?  Was I bi?  Did I believe in bisexuality?
   For a while, I was just left confused and my fling with the woman left me thinking, "women are just like men, heartbreakers."  I had spoken with my parents and told them about my confusion because I had no clue what was going on in my head, I told them I might be gay, but what I really was, was confused.  They were fine with it.  They said I was young and needed to just grow to understand myself.  I never told the rest of my family that I had this confusion because I was worried about the whole religious repercussions that would come along with it.   I consider myself spiritual and I have a pretty strong bond with God, but I can't control the internal struggle that was going on within my soul.  It's not like I wanted to be sexually confused.
   After a while, and meeting a few guys and going on a few dates and still being attracted to men as well, I figured, I may have just been jaded and that may have been what caused my desire for that woman.  Then, a few months later, I met another girl and I instantly had that same feeling again.  I was just instantly attracted to her, I'm not sure what it was but the moment I met her I just wanted her.  Every part of my being was drawn to her.  It wasn't just a physical thing, it was more than that.  It took about 3 years before her and I ever acted on anything but, that same confusion came back to me.  After that, I figured, I must be bisexual.  I didn't look at all women and have attraction to them, I appreciate beauty, but that's the artist in me.  There are only certain women who draw out attraction and instantly make me just want to be with them, but then again, it's the same for men as well.
   Until recently, well about 3 years ago, I never knew what I was.  Now I know the term, I'm pansexual. I don't really care about a person's gender.  I'm not attracted to that.  It's really the person that I care about.  But damned if I wasn't confused as fuck for the last 20 or so years. For people to say that it's under a person's control who they are attracted to, I can speak from personal experience, it's really not.  If it were, I would have saved myself years of confusion.  Not only were those years when I didn't know if I was gay, straight, bi or what confusing, they were frustrating... and for people to try to condemn others for something that they can't control, that's just downright stupid.
   My heart hurts for those who don't get to have the same rights as I.  Just because I happened to fall in love with a man, doesn't mean that I couldn't have fallen just as easily for a woman, and if I did, I would want to have the same rights and privileges as everyone else.  I'm not sure why people feel the need to say what is "right" and "wrong" in love.  The matters of the heart do not belong in the mouths of Fast Food CEOs or any other asshole that wants to spread his hatred out to others.
   I may spew a lot of angry words, but damnit, on this matter, I want everyone to have equal rights.  It's only fair.  If I get to love publicly, everyone should be able to.