Year in Review, Year in Preview.

   The last year flew by.  It really did.  I'm not sure how I feel about that because every year since I started dating my husband, has flown by.  I mean one minute I was 25 and the next I'm turning 31 in a month and a half.  It's good and sucks at the same time.  Every time I see my nephews or step son, they are much bigger than the last time.

   Sometimes it feels like there aren't enough hours in the day.  I have so much I want to do and yet, the thought of everything overwhelms me.

   2013 had a lot of ups and downs, it was very bipolar.  There were two lows that were the shittiest, losing Mayhem and my Great Grandmother.  My grandmum was also in the hospital for a month and my other grandmum fell a couple of times and had her house broken into.  On the good side, my dad was not in the hospital.  The bump under my breast was only a cyst.  My husband and family that I associate with are amazing.  

   I am really looking forward to a few things this year.  It will be our 2nd wedding anniversary on April 20th.  We will have 6 years together on August 22nd and I know what I need to do for the upcoming year in gifts.     I'm looking forward to creating some new designs and completing a shit ton of projects.  I'm also looking forward to the wonderful friendships I have built over the last couple of years and keeping those as strong as I can.  You guys know who you are and you are like my long distance family that I love oh so much. 

  I'm SO close to finishing my book that I can taste it.  It will be a very raw and real version of myself and I will not be so censored as I often find that I am while blogging.  I don't really say my "fuck yous" as loudly as I'd like to on my blogs and I don't really speak as frankly as I can.  Trust me, you think I'm an asshole here?  Wait till you read my book (if you want.).  

   I have the best husband.  The best furry children.  The best parents.  The best in laws.  The best friends.  The best bestie. I understand all this, although I may not always see it when I'm blinded by my depression, I know it's there when my vision clears.  

When my filter shuts down...

   Usually, I try to be polite with most things I say.  However, sometimes my mouth speaks a lot faster than I can process the fact that what I just said was inappropriate.  I do this quite often, even without knowing a lot of times.  It's only when we get home and my husband reminds me that the things I say can often be hurtful and then I am reminded that I sometimes suck.

   The things I say are usually impulse thoughts and not the way I really feel.  For that moment in time when I am too busy inserting my foot in my mouth, it's like I'm absent and I don't even realize that not everyone in the world understands what it's like to be an asshole without knowing.  I willfully admit that I am an asshole and I have said some very hurtful things that I don't mean but that I know will hurt someone and I say it only because at that moment, I am hurt.

  I wish that there was a way for me to pause myself before I say most things because in life, there is no rewind button.  You don't get a redo.  You can't take away things that you say that hurt others.  I know this because I too am a victim of assholes.  I remember most hurtful things that people say or have said to me and I have a hard time forgetting no matter what.

   The medication I'm on makes me forget the most basic of things, like what I was going to do, simple words, what I did five minutes ago... etc... but it can't make me forget assholey things that have been said to me.

   I also harp on things that I said.  I want to take 90% of the hurtful shit I've said back, but I can't.  I can just sit and ponder and worry that the people I love won't love me anymore.  I do this for hours.  I dream about it and even after weeks have past, I get that awful feeling in the pit of my stomach.

   It really fucking sucks because I'm stuck in this roller coaster of emotions and I don't usually fast cycle so I'm stuck being depressed for long periods of time.  I rarely get manic.  This may sound like a good thing for some, but for me, I'd rather be manic because that's when I'm most creative.  I don't need sleep (I can't get any at least) and I don't want to just stare at the wall as I often do when I'm depressed.  I'm not as lost in my head, but then during my mania, I can sometimes be a super asshole without even realizing what a dick I am because I can't stay focused on just one thought... then once my super asshole action is brought to my attention, I drop into a deep depression and can't let it go.

   I feel that right now.  I feel like my mind is just shutting out everything else and just making me think of every asshole thing I've done.  I cry a lot.  I cry when I don't mean to.  I cry when I don't want to.  I cry constantly.

   I'm not even sure that what I've written  makes any sense because I can't think straight.  I hate being bipolar so much.  I hate having all these issues that make me a nightmare.  I hate that I can't even understand why anyone would love me.

Sure, give me a moment to paint on my smile!

   I have a million thoughts and emotions flowing through my head so forgive me if this rambles or doesn't make any sense.  I know usually I have issues with staying focused anyway and I blame bipolar, today it's a mix of all things emotional.
   For 25 years I had to hold in every emotion I felt so everything translated to anger.  Therefore, anger is my default emotion.  I'm having to relearn how to be happy.  I'm having to relearn how to not fake every emotion.  I'm trying my damnedest not to act anymore.  I had to do that for the majority of my life.  I don't want to pretend anymore.
   I think it's unfair to be angry at me for having emotions or for not faking my way through life.  If everyone wants that, I can do that again.  I can be the shell that I once was.  Why am I not good enough as is?  Is my question...

You Crazy, Crazy Man.

    Four years ago today I sat at work and secretly sent messages to the guy I was dating/spending every night with.  In one of those messages was a somewhat cryptic message saying something about us being exclusive.  Now me, being the psychotic person that I am, I have to read into everything and make sure I understand exactly what is going on, so later that night when I got to CW's house I was like, "so does this mean you're like my boyfriend now?" and he was like, "well, if you want to be my girlfriend..." So then became us.
   After nearly two months of dating and showing him how amazing I am and how much his life would suck without me, he gave in.  I already knew my life sucked without him.  I had to suffer the years before seeing him with other women who didn't deserve him, the women who treated him like poo (and not in the way that I do, the crappy kind).  I may be kinda bitchy and shit, but like I love CW insane amounts.  I do a lot for him that people may not see.  They may see the shit that he does for me and think that I'm just a pampered princess and blahblahblah but, I do shit too.
   So anywho... that was 4 years ago and ever since then, my life has been nothing but a blur.  Time has just flown by and they were not even lying when they said time flies when you're having fun.  It doesn't even seem like 4 years has gone by.  In fact, it seems like just yesterday we were going on our first official date or going to that Rehab concert. 
   I have so many wonderful memories with CW that life just seems right.  I honestly am one of the lucky ones to be with a best friend, soul mate and someone who can stand my mental ass, let alone living with me. 
   So to the only man in the world who could handle the job, yes, it IS a job, I love you and HAPPY ANNIVERSARY!  (he reads my blogs, just never comments on 'em here, just to me)

Dogs, Dogs, Do- SQUIRREL!

   Okay, so I know I haven't really been funny lately (if you ever though I was semi funny) I've just been kinda writing mindlessly and quickly for that matter just to say, "hey, I'm still blogging, I'm not a total asshole."  Although, I reread my last blog and was like, WTF was that?  I know I'm pretty incoherent sometimes (I blame bipolar) but it for the most part made like no sense.  This time, I'm going to TRY to stick to making some sort of sense.
   As some people know, I've been spending a lot of time with my dad after his heart surgery because of this, I'm tired as fuck.  HOWEVER, I have been hit by the creative bug.  I have been doing a lot of stuff with graphs and crochet.  I have a shit ton of fun creating.  With this type of crochet I get to also add in another one of my favorite types of art, which is drawing.  CW gets a kick out of seeing things that I draw then crochet.  I just have fun doing it all.  I also like the whole editing as I go.  It's pretty cool to be like, "this doesn't work." erase, then problem solve... I love it.
   I also taught my mom how to make granny squares.  It's pretty cool to watch her do something other than random crochet.  I like her random designs but I also like to see her follow a bit of a pattern.  This shows her how important counting is in crochet.  She's fast too.  I love it.  She reminds me of Ofie in Waking Up in the Land of Glitter by Kathy Cano-Murillo (the speed crochet part, nothing else).  She's not making multi colored granny squares yet, but still, bad ass.
   I've missed my dogs.  I rarely get to see them except for a few hours in the evenings.  Then, they are a bit clingy.  I give them a buncha treats.  CW says they're on diets and I need to stop, "but they're babies!" I retort, "No, they're fat and old."  He says.  He's right, but I miss them and I want them to be happy.
   This morning when I came to pick CW up (I woke up early to be with my dad) Jasper was jumping at the front door trying to get to me but CW wouldn't let him and I stood back and just waiting and my heart broke a little because I wanted to hug him before I left again for another few hours, so CW opened the front door and Jasper was so happy, he made my heart smile.  I was in a good mood for the entire morning.  Not that I don't find my parents' dogs endearing, but they aren't my precious babies.
   In fact, Mischief (the name fit perfectly this morning), my parents' one year old rottie pup dug a huge frickin hole in the back yard and when I looked outside to let them back in and saw half her body in the hole, my jaw dropped.  I went outside and just sat on the bistro set for a few minutes to take it all in and she came up to me with a muddy face (it rained last night) and wiped it all over my maxi dress.  So I went back inside and put on my flip flops and the little brat had the nerve to jump on the back door.  I sighed a bit as I went back out and grabbed a shovel, she usually barks at my mom and fights with my mom whenever my mom grabs a shovel, rake, broom or any kind of yard work tool so I was worried, but I had no problems.  I'm also a little more dominating over Mischief than my mom is, so I guess I can understand why Mischief did nothing.  She did kind of lay in her hole as protest but as I threw dirt in her hole, she moved.  It took a lot of frickin dirt in the damn heat PLUS it was humid today too!  This desert rat is NOT used to humidity.  I covered the hole, stomped it down with the shovel AND my feet.  She looked at me with her big brown eyes filled with sadness and then wanted back inside.  I do NOT feel bad.
   I covered the hole because although it's not my yard, I didn't want my ma to have to deal with it after having to be at work all day.  I'm not always a complete asshole.
   So now I'm home, my furry ones are asleep.  Yes, I gave them a treat when I came in.  My Jasper lays at my feet as I type.  They say his with his breed, once they pick someone, that's the person they are devoted to for life.  I'm lucky he picked me.  Granted, I didn't even want to keep the little shit, he was SO destructive when he was a puppy, he chewed my laptop cord, our front bathroom door, our rugs, our couch, our front bathroom wall... but in the end, he was worth it and I'm glad CW talked me into keeping him.  He completes our family really well.

I'm glad at least CBS Cares...

   It's pretty crazy.  The first time I saw this commercial on CBS I was like "ARE YOU GUYS LISTENING TO THIS???" turns out no one was.  It's pretty fucking odd that no one listens to this shit considering I am bipolar so it kind of effects them too.  Then again, lately I tend to get the feeling that I don't matter to some people.  It's kind of sad now that I think of it.

   I know that I may be overreacting or whatever but the fact of the matter is this, this is how I feel.  People are making me feel this way, therefore something must be wrong. I've kind of started to pull away from some people for this particular reason.  I've spent years separating my emotions from things so this will just be another exercise in that skill that I've grown pretty good at over time.

   I'm fucking mentally ill.  I was traumatized as a child thereby fucking me over mentally pretty well for uhm let's see... hmmm... I'm sure the rest of my life.  I deserve a little slack.  I deserve a little love.  In fact, I need a little love.  This rough exterior that everyone seems to think is me... That's not me.  That's the me I had to become in order to not fall apart every effing day as a child, hell even as an adult.  The real me is someone who just needs people to fucking hug me and tell me that yes, in fact I am loved and people actually do give two fucking shits about me.

   I'm having a shit time getting out of this cycle and I just want to fall apart sometimes. I hate to think of what life would be like without my meds.  I just wish that more people would be understanding and realize that I'm not made of stone.  I'm flesh and blood.  I cry a lot over the way I feel lately.  I'm so tired of crying.  

ALWAYS Say Goodbye Nicely

   I consider CW and I to have a pretty good relationship.  I mean, we aren't perfect by any means, but we get along very well.  Most days I miss him while we are apart, (yes, I hope you caught the "most" part, we will get to that soon) and we usually have a good time while we are together.  He, for the most part, makes my heart happy.  There really isn't another person in the world for me. In all my 25 years before he and I became a couple, I never saw myself with anyone else for the rest of my life.  I'd try to force the idea upon myself, but in reality, it was never there. This, truly is there.  I see myself as a wrinkled old ass lady yelling at him to turn up the TV because I can't hear it, (okay, I'm lying, this is me now, but I can see a wrinkled version of myself doing it too).
   So anyway, Sunday night I fell asleep pretty early but CW didn't come to bed till like 5 hours after I did, so this like bugged the shit out of me, I know this because I woke up periodically throughout the night, as I always do (thank you ruiner of lives who fucked up my sleep for my entire life, pardon my angry moment).  Then, the next morning as his alarm was going off he didn't hear it because he had drank the night before and was in a heavy sleep so I kicked him awake. (Yeah, real mature on my end, I know.  I'm an asshole.)  I was still pissed off, what can I say, I hate going to bed alone, especially 5 hours alone.   Two, maybe even 3 hours would have been forgivable, but 5 is just.... WTF?  Especially when I had called out to him after 3 hours and then again after 4 hours.  He knows I have nightmares on a pretty regular basis and if obviously I'm half asleep calling out searching for his ass, then it's probably a bad night, yet he still continued whatever he was doing.  So yeah, I woke up in a kind of bad mood but I still was talking to him because I felt bad for kicking him awake.
   Then I asked him a question about the wording of something, for those who know, my bipolar medication makes my memory foggy and things take a while to come to me.  It's very frustrating on my end, but if what it takes for me to be a little more even is a little memory loss, then by all means, who the fuck am I?      Anyway, he wasn't very helpful and I was frustrated already because I couldn't remember a simple ass word and I told him he sucked and he got all huffy with me and said that I told him he wasn't as important as The Bloggess and I was like WTF??? But since he's always running late for work, I couldn't even argue with him so I was like whatever.  So he just said "I love you." and then left without kissing me goodbye.  Now this is where I am angry.  Yes, he may have said, I love you, but he didn't kiss me goodbye.  What if something shitty would have happened yesterday like I had a heart attack or a helicopter crashed into the house or some other fucked up scenario and he didn't kiss me goodbye???  Or something would have happened to him?  Then I would have never had that last kiss goodbye.  So I was like FUCK YOU after that.
   I started to calm down later on during the day, I half expected an apology text or call sometime during the day, but that never came, so I was like, well, maybe he'll come home with an apology Star Fucks drink or something, but NOPE.  Not one fucking thing.  He walked into the house like nothing fucking happened.  He tried to give me a kiss, but that pissed me off all over again.  Like, double time.  Try to act like everything was fucking normal. WHAT. THE. FUCK.  I was like completely happy up until that point too, sewing on my happy machine and shit.
   So as he tried to kiss me hello I pulled away and said, "NOW, you wanna kiss me?" and scoffed.  So he walked away.  I didn't really talk to him much, during Jeopardy! he apologized for his actions that morning and I said , "yeah" (again, I'm an asshole) then he said, "That's all you're gonna say is 'yeah'?" and I said, "what do you want me to say, CW?" and he said, "That you forgive me." so I said, "ok, I forgive you." In the most dry tone in the world, (again, I repeat, I am an asshole, not only a term for men).
   It just really bothers me that I have to sit here all day and worry about what bad shit is going to possibly happen that I may not be able to kiss the love of my life again, I know that it's a stupid fucking thing to worry about, I know this, I'm not completely braindead.  Yet, it's something I will always do.  It's like asking the world to fuck with you when you do something like that.  Something shitty always happens to me.  Like, I painted my cousin a painting he'd been asking for, for like 3 years, I saw him the day after I painted it, I had like 2 months before his birthday before I was going to be able to give it to him, I wanted to tell him about it, but it was a surprise, I didn't say shit to him.  Later that night he died from alcohol poisoning thinking that no one loved him and he never knew about the painting that I did just for him, BTW he would be my age today had he not died 3 years ago.  Then 12 years before that I was sick with a stupid cold so I didn't visit my grandpa so I didn't get him or my grandma sick and then he fucking dies on me before I was able to say goodbye.  It's shit like that that scares the fuck out of me and makes it so that I have these fucking fears of losing people when you do fucked up shit like NOT KISSING SOMEONE GOODBYE WHEN YOU LEAVE FOR WORK.
   I know it may be trivial for some people, but I'm bipolar, so I'm blaming that.

Blame it on the Rain...

  When my Beloved and I first started dating it was our "monsoon" season.  We don't get much rain here in New Mexico, but that year, we sure as hell did.  I loved it.  We started a little tradition back then, every time it was raining, no matter what we were doing or what time it was, we would stop and we would take a moment to kiss in the rain.
  So now, no matter what time of year... summer, winter, fall or spring, we kiss when it's raining if we are together.  When we aren't together, I'm thinking of him and he of me.  I love that I'll be bundled up and ready for bed, but it starts raining and he comes and grabs my hand and tells me it's raining and then a smile comes across my face and I feel like a teenager with butterflies in my tummy.
   Tonight, listening to the rain, I feel so happy.  I've had a so-so last couple of weeks, feeling like shit and still trying to run off this bipolar cycle, but tonight, I am smiling.