One year later...

   Yesterday (4/20/2013) was our one year wedding anniversary.  Granted, CW and I have been together for almost 5 years but our first wedding anniversary was special to us.  We celebrated traditionally with paper and by paper we decided to write each other letters.  Our letters were supposed to be quick little notes, well CW made me promise to stick to ONE page and I did so, yet he wrote me this beautiful four page letter.  It brought tears of happiness to my eyes and solidified my thought process that came to me as I was writing my letter to him.
   When I'm writing, thoughts come to me.  They fly in and out of my brain.  Sometimes when I'm driving home or sitting there, they do the same thing to me and I try to catch them before I forget so I get them worded just right.
   What I've come to understand after these last few years is that, I really and truly am blessed.  I now know that everything that I had to suffer through and go through previously, all the hurt with the crap my cousin did to me.  The crap I went/[am going] through with being mentally ill, being bullied for my appearance, every guy I ever dated who treated me poorly, just all the hurt I suffered in my life... for all of this, I am being blessed with the gift of a man who treats me like a queen.  A man who makes me feel like I am such a catch.  A man who makes me feel beautiful and intelligent and wonderful.  A man who accepts all my flaky shit and doesn't make me feel like absolute crap for being a bipolar mess.  A man who deals with my counting compulsion and the fact that I have to do things in a certain way or I feel like I'm going to vomit.  A man who deals with my whining and doesn't make me feel like I'm whining.  A man who never calls me names or says anything negative about me.  He is my gift.   My gift for all the bad that I've had to deal with.
   CW and I are not perfect, we fight and we disagree but that's because we are only human.  We are going to do these things, that doesn't mean that we are a bad couple, the fact is, CW is truly my other half.  I love him more than I could ever explain with words or actions... I can try, but anything I say or do could never be enough to let him know how much I love him.  
 
   With all that being said, my husband and I had a wonderful day together.  We started the day by having breakfast with my parents.  They took us out so they could give us our gift it was paper of the monetary kind ($$$) :) and then we went out to get a boba tea (my fave) and pick up our replica of our wedding cake top.  Which was adorable PLUS we did not have to eat year old cake.  Then we went to my parents' house to take my dad a boba tea and hang out for a little while and then came home and relaxed and decided to go out to dinner at Azuma the sushi and teppan restaurant where CW proposed to me.  It was also the place we went to for our one year anniversary back in 2009 and CW proposed there in 2011.  So it has sentimental value.  It's kinda "our" place.  After stuffing our faces, we came home and had a piece of our cake and watched Wreck It Ralph which was cute and then we played COD: Black OPs II till we got tired then we turned on 30 Rock and fell asleeps.  It was a busy day and a good one.  I only had minor anxiety while we were getting boba.  Oh and we ordered a clock that has a different bird sound every hour to celebrate our one year wedding anniversary the modern way as well.  CW said he wanted something geeky and unique like me.  I thought that would be pretty unique in our home since it wouldn't really fit in with anything and I thought I'd like the bird sounds.

Now, here's our wedding song for all of you to enjoy.

You Crazy, Crazy Man.

    Four years ago today I sat at work and secretly sent messages to the guy I was dating/spending every night with.  In one of those messages was a somewhat cryptic message saying something about us being exclusive.  Now me, being the psychotic person that I am, I have to read into everything and make sure I understand exactly what is going on, so later that night when I got to CW's house I was like, "so does this mean you're like my boyfriend now?" and he was like, "well, if you want to be my girlfriend..." So then became us.
   After nearly two months of dating and showing him how amazing I am and how much his life would suck without me, he gave in.  I already knew my life sucked without him.  I had to suffer the years before seeing him with other women who didn't deserve him, the women who treated him like poo (and not in the way that I do, the crappy kind).  I may be kinda bitchy and shit, but like I love CW insane amounts.  I do a lot for him that people may not see.  They may see the shit that he does for me and think that I'm just a pampered princess and blahblahblah but, I do shit too.
   So anywho... that was 4 years ago and ever since then, my life has been nothing but a blur.  Time has just flown by and they were not even lying when they said time flies when you're having fun.  It doesn't even seem like 4 years has gone by.  In fact, it seems like just yesterday we were going on our first official date or going to that Rehab concert. 
   I have so many wonderful memories with CW that life just seems right.  I honestly am one of the lucky ones to be with a best friend, soul mate and someone who can stand my mental ass, let alone living with me. 
   So to the only man in the world who could handle the job, yes, it IS a job, I love you and HAPPY ANNIVERSARY!  (he reads my blogs, just never comments on 'em here, just to me)

Dear Sleep, I miss you

   I've been really tired lately, like really tired.  I can't sleep at night and even when I'm REALLY tired, like falling asleep standing up- kind of tired, when it comes to the going to bed part, my mind wakes up and is like "HEY!  Do you know all the shit you could be doing right now?"  So then I'm mentally writing all this shit in my head and my brain just will not turn the fuck off and then the next thing I know, it's 3 hours later and I am STILL awake.

   I never really liked sleeping because I know that sleep takes away from the other things I could be doing with my life, but ever since I have failed to get a "normal" nights' sleep in such a long time... I really frickin miss sleeping.  It's weird for me to crave sleep.  I don't mind this kind of sleep though, lately when I do fall asleep, it's been so hard that it feels like a dreamless sleep, which is a lot better than nightmares.

   It's also 8 days till my 4 year anniversary with my beloved.  These years have flown by.  It's like, one minute I'm a 25 year old Ice Queen who hates the entire male population and the next, I'm completely and totally in love and all the ice that surrounded my heart has melted away.  I know I suck sometimes and can be hard to live with, but hey, we make it work.  Our balance sometimes get,  a little off, but it goes back.  The only thing I know is that there is only one person in this world that truly was made for me.  It's rare to find that person who completes you and makes your heart feel whole, especially after it's been shattered and damaged by the curveballs that life threw and knocked it down with...

Four Years and 2 Clogged Tear Ducts

   I know I've been slightly absent after posting pretty regularly for a while, but I've been spending the majority of my days back and forth between my house and my parents' house during the day and at night I'm so wiped out, all I wanna do is just let my mind be blank for a few.
   I feel so tired.  I don't mind doing things for my dad at all because I think of the alternative in which he is not here for me to do things for.  The thing is, I still worry about my dad.  Not only him, but my mom.  I know that her worry makes it hard for her to really get rest therefore I don't rest.  I wake up several times throughout the night with that elevator feeling in my gut and I don't know what it is.  I check my phones to make sure I'm not missing calls from my mom and I'm not, so I'm ok there, but I still worry.
   I think I'm really drained emotionally because I never really cried.  I cried a little here and there but I tried to keep my emotions in check because I didn't want to bring that bad energy around while my dad was getting prepared for surgery or while he was in the hospital.  So I have all this pent up grief that I need to expel.  I know it may be hard for some to understand, but I feel all clogged up.  I need to release these tears that I never got to purge from my system.
 

   On another note in 2 weeks it will be my Beloved and I's 4 year anniversary.  Four years. I mean, we've been dating for over 4 years already but as an official couple, 4 years together on 8/22.  CW and I have rough spots and we argue here and there, we are not perfect by any means, but he was definitely Made for Me.