When my filter shuts down...

   Usually, I try to be polite with most things I say.  However, sometimes my mouth speaks a lot faster than I can process the fact that what I just said was inappropriate.  I do this quite often, even without knowing a lot of times.  It's only when we get home and my husband reminds me that the things I say can often be hurtful and then I am reminded that I sometimes suck.

   The things I say are usually impulse thoughts and not the way I really feel.  For that moment in time when I am too busy inserting my foot in my mouth, it's like I'm absent and I don't even realize that not everyone in the world understands what it's like to be an asshole without knowing.  I willfully admit that I am an asshole and I have said some very hurtful things that I don't mean but that I know will hurt someone and I say it only because at that moment, I am hurt.

  I wish that there was a way for me to pause myself before I say most things because in life, there is no rewind button.  You don't get a redo.  You can't take away things that you say that hurt others.  I know this because I too am a victim of assholes.  I remember most hurtful things that people say or have said to me and I have a hard time forgetting no matter what.

   The medication I'm on makes me forget the most basic of things, like what I was going to do, simple words, what I did five minutes ago... etc... but it can't make me forget assholey things that have been said to me.

   I also harp on things that I said.  I want to take 90% of the hurtful shit I've said back, but I can't.  I can just sit and ponder and worry that the people I love won't love me anymore.  I do this for hours.  I dream about it and even after weeks have past, I get that awful feeling in the pit of my stomach.

   It really fucking sucks because I'm stuck in this roller coaster of emotions and I don't usually fast cycle so I'm stuck being depressed for long periods of time.  I rarely get manic.  This may sound like a good thing for some, but for me, I'd rather be manic because that's when I'm most creative.  I don't need sleep (I can't get any at least) and I don't want to just stare at the wall as I often do when I'm depressed.  I'm not as lost in my head, but then during my mania, I can sometimes be a super asshole without even realizing what a dick I am because I can't stay focused on just one thought... then once my super asshole action is brought to my attention, I drop into a deep depression and can't let it go.

   I feel that right now.  I feel like my mind is just shutting out everything else and just making me think of every asshole thing I've done.  I cry a lot.  I cry when I don't mean to.  I cry when I don't want to.  I cry constantly.

   I'm not even sure that what I've written  makes any sense because I can't think straight.  I hate being bipolar so much.  I hate having all these issues that make me a nightmare.  I hate that I can't even understand why anyone would love me.

...And I Never Remember What It's Called

   My life is pretty much an open book, there are a few aspects that I keep private, but those are rare.  Really, I've learned that I'm not weird.  It's because I'm a writer and we tend to do these things (well, some of us in some form or another). I've been going through some personal turmoil that I've alluded to but not been very clear on, I will not go any further as well because apparently anything I fucking say is not fucking allowed (because free speech is NOT free speech) without me getting treated like shit so... I will discuss another matter instead that has been haunting my mind.
   Two and a half years ago I was diagnosed with Idiopathic Thrombocytopenic Purpura, ITP for short (I always call it ITP, always have to look it up). Which would be easier defined by the professionals than myself so:

Idiopathic thrombocytopenic purpura (ITP), also called immune thrombocytopenic purpura, is a blood-clotting disorder that can lead to easy or excessive bruising and bleeding. ITP results from unusually low levels of platelets — the cells that help your blood clot.

Idiopathic thrombocytopenic purpura affects both children and adults. Children often develop idiopathic thrombocytopenic purpura after a viral infection and usually recover fully without treatment. In adults, however, the disorder is often chronic.

Treatment of idiopathic thrombocytopenic purpura depends on your symptoms and platelet count. If you don't have signs of bleeding and your platelet count isn't too low, treatment for idiopathic thrombocytopenic purpura usually isn't necessary. More serious cases may be treated with medications or, in critical situations, with surgery.

Most normal people have about  150,000-450,000 platelets.  When I went in for my surgery 2.5 yrs ago, I had 26,000.  Which wasn't enough for me to have surgery so I had infusions (I wasn't getting platelets but this stuff that gets the platelets going, memory fails me now as to what the treatment is called) which pumped me up to about 55,000.  Then about a week before my surgery when they tested me again, my platelet count fell down to about 14,000.  So I had to have another infusion, transfusion, whatever they call it.  I know however that the rising count of my platelets was only temporary, so it freaks me out because if they went from 26,000 to 14,000 in such a short period of time, what are they now?
   The doctor also told me that my spleen might have to be removed which when I read about that, seems even fucking scarier than keeping it in there.  I was also reading:

The greatest risk is when your platelet count falls very low — below 10,000 platelets per microliter. At this point, internal bleeding may occur despite a lack of any injury.

What. The. Fuck.  Do they not know who I am?  I'm a fucking walking injury?  I constantly hurt myself.  It seems like the more I TRY to avoid injury, the more I fucking do it.  Last night, I fucking hit my head as I was getting in the car.  How the fuck do I do that?  This scares the shit out of me because if I can get internal bleeding without even fucking hurting myself, WTF am I going to do if I do hurt myself?  I know I'm probably making a bigger deal than I need to, but seriously.  So yeah, and then my entire body does this thing where it fucking hurts to be touched... anywhere.  The muscles get really tense and knotted.  I just feel like I'm falling apart emotionally and physically.