When my filter shuts down...

   Usually, I try to be polite with most things I say.  However, sometimes my mouth speaks a lot faster than I can process the fact that what I just said was inappropriate.  I do this quite often, even without knowing a lot of times.  It's only when we get home and my husband reminds me that the things I say can often be hurtful and then I am reminded that I sometimes suck.

   The things I say are usually impulse thoughts and not the way I really feel.  For that moment in time when I am too busy inserting my foot in my mouth, it's like I'm absent and I don't even realize that not everyone in the world understands what it's like to be an asshole without knowing.  I willfully admit that I am an asshole and I have said some very hurtful things that I don't mean but that I know will hurt someone and I say it only because at that moment, I am hurt.

  I wish that there was a way for me to pause myself before I say most things because in life, there is no rewind button.  You don't get a redo.  You can't take away things that you say that hurt others.  I know this because I too am a victim of assholes.  I remember most hurtful things that people say or have said to me and I have a hard time forgetting no matter what.

   The medication I'm on makes me forget the most basic of things, like what I was going to do, simple words, what I did five minutes ago... etc... but it can't make me forget assholey things that have been said to me.

   I also harp on things that I said.  I want to take 90% of the hurtful shit I've said back, but I can't.  I can just sit and ponder and worry that the people I love won't love me anymore.  I do this for hours.  I dream about it and even after weeks have past, I get that awful feeling in the pit of my stomach.

   It really fucking sucks because I'm stuck in this roller coaster of emotions and I don't usually fast cycle so I'm stuck being depressed for long periods of time.  I rarely get manic.  This may sound like a good thing for some, but for me, I'd rather be manic because that's when I'm most creative.  I don't need sleep (I can't get any at least) and I don't want to just stare at the wall as I often do when I'm depressed.  I'm not as lost in my head, but then during my mania, I can sometimes be a super asshole without even realizing what a dick I am because I can't stay focused on just one thought... then once my super asshole action is brought to my attention, I drop into a deep depression and can't let it go.

   I feel that right now.  I feel like my mind is just shutting out everything else and just making me think of every asshole thing I've done.  I cry a lot.  I cry when I don't mean to.  I cry when I don't want to.  I cry constantly.

   I'm not even sure that what I've written  makes any sense because I can't think straight.  I hate being bipolar so much.  I hate having all these issues that make me a nightmare.  I hate that I can't even understand why anyone would love me.

"Avoid popularity if you would have peace."

   I was just thinking that I'd like to be more political so I could sound more intellectual to those people who think that the more you know about politics, the smarter you are.  You know the type right?  I mean, I'm not completely ignorant on the subject, I just try not to get too involved in things anymore.  You see, I have this tendency to get obsessed with things.  I mean obsessed. I blame my OCD.  To answer your question, no, I don't have the cool kind of OCD where I get obsessive about cleaning and organization, I have a stupid counting compulsion (another blog, for another day).
   I remember when I was younger I became obsessed with the first election I was like 4 months shy of being able to vote for.  It was shitty.  It consumed the majority of my time. I try not to let things do that to me anymore.  It's just frustrating to me because there is so much other shit that I enjoy doing rather than spending my time obsessing over things that give me anxiety.
   Ah, my anxiety, yet another reason I prefer NOT to become so political.  I've noticed that a lot of political people tend to be, well, aggressive (for lack of a better word).  It's like you say something they don't agree with and I'll be damned if they don't do research for 3 hours to try to rip you a new asshole.  It's like, damn can't we just agree to disagree?
   So rather than spend my time becoming political and arguing about things that I know for a fact are just going to be a waste of time because 1) it's hard to change people's convictions when it comes to politics, and 2) I really don't want to change people's opinions I just want to state mine, I just spend my time becoming well rounded in other aspects of life.
   I enjoy learning about many different things.  I like watching documentaries.  I like reading a shit ton of books.  I love researching different artistic mediums. I love research, period.  I love doing crafts.  I love watching my animals interact and just watching their behavior in general.  I also spend tons of time over thinking pretty much, everything.
   I don't necessarily think that makes me boring or uneducated by any means as some "political" people may think, I'm just not willing to get into a pointless argument (yes, it's pointless to me because anything that causes anxiety for absolutely no reason is pointless) on a daily basis to defend my opinions.  I have them, they are there.  I'll voice them on other subjects, but not to someone who will get so aggressive and be willing to rip me a new one just to make themselves feel superior (congrats, you tore down an unstable person).
   So maybe I was wrong at the beginning... maybe I was thinking I'd like to become less political?  ;)

*side note: if this blog made you want to rip me a new asshole, then you may be political.