Saturday, February 15, 2014

"My Funny Valentine..."

   Typically, my husband and I don't celebrate Valentine's day, I have many reasons for this.  One is because I was always made to feel like shit throughout my teenage years and early twenties when I didn't have a Valentine. I know one would think, "hey why not celebrate now that you have a forever Valentine?"  Well, I'm also pretty practical with things, money being one of them.  I don't feel it necessary to "show" how much I'm "loved" on one fucking day that was created for the consumer.
   I like to be shown how loved I am on a daily basis.  Not necessarily with items that cost money, but with the little things.  I feel I am worth being loved EVERY day, not just one day a year.  My husband gets it.
   This year, I felt the love bug.  I wonder if it's because I follow a lot of crafty people and facebook pages that were prepping for Valentine's day, it just made me super lovey.  I was hit with the love bug.  I didn't start preparing days in advance or anything and I didn't expect anything from my husband since we normally treat Valentine's day as if it were any other day.
   The night before Valentine's day, I was antsy and couldn't fall asleep.  I started browsing the web and saw some cute e-cards, well I couldn't just send him an e-card when I could damn well draw my own pic and I have plenty of plain white cards to do it on.  I sketched it out first, then took to card with my drawing pencils.  I gave him the card after work and he was like "whaaaa?  are we celebrating now?"  I told him no, I just wanted to do something for him since I love him so and I'm not as expressive with love as my hubby unless it's with something done creatively.
   I wrote a couple of poems and entered a contest.  Was hoping to win and show him that my words of love for him were award winning, but I didn't win.  So since the winners were announced on Valentine's day, I also emailed him the poems I wrote him.
   I also have lots of friends with kids who are able to do activities with them and give them Valentines and whatnot, so seeing those pics also warmed my heart.  My stepson is way too old for all that so I don't really have anyone to do it for so last night, I made my furry babies some Valentines.  I made little heart collar medallions for the girl pups and for Jasper a stuffed heart toy.  I also made a toy for the cats and put catnip in it.  That was it.  It wasn't like I was going nutso for the day, I just wanted to show a little love with hearts.
   I've found that the happier I am, the more I want to show my love.  I received a Valentine from Kim Lovey and Cherub and that just made my night.  It was unexpected and awesome.  I love unexpected gifts from the heart.
   My dad even made my mom a Valentine and that made me smile.  It was cute.  My dad is NOT someone you'd expect to do that.  I saw the card today while I was visiting and it made me proud to have such awesome parents.
   So, in essence I'm not pro or anti Valentine's day, I'm Sweden.  This year, cupid just happened to catch me off guard.  Cupid for love of friends, family and furry babies.

Monday, January 27, 2014

My First Pattern Needs a Name!

A new year and trying out new things! 


I always crochet on the fly, without a pattern (about 98% of the time, it's my own random creation) but sometimes I create some pretty cool stuff and other people might want to make their own.  So recently, I decided to try my hand at pattern writing and I wrote a fingerless glove pattern that I created for my mom as a birthday present to accompany a hat I made her. 


I have my testers making sure that I made the pattern for others to read and not just my own eyes right now and hope to release the pattern within the next couple of days. 


The pattern, needs a name though!  I would like your help  with some ideas.  I will be getting with my hubby and testers and we will select a name and the winner will receive a copy of my first pattern!  Also, one of my testers has graciously offered the same color skein of yarn she used to make these beauties to the winner of the name contest!


Please submit your ideas here or on Facebook!  You can follow DefySocietyArts on FB here: Defy Society Arts, also there may be another giveaway for this pattern when it releases!  Keep your eyes peeled.  :)

Thanks,
Jessie

(Contest is now closed, pattern name has been selected: Fingers Crossed can be downloaded now.  Thank you to everyone who submitted a name!)







Wednesday, January 1, 2014

Year in Review, Year in Preview.

   The last year flew by.  It really did.  I'm not sure how I feel about that because every year since I started dating my husband, has flown by.  I mean one minute I was 25 and the next I'm turning 31 in a month and a half.  It's good and sucks at the same time.  Every time I see my nephews or step son, they are much bigger than the last time.
   Sometimes it feels like there aren't enough hours in the day.  I have so much I want to do and yet, the thought of everything overwhelms me.
   2013 had a lot of ups and downs, it was very bipolar.  There were two lows that were the shittiest, losing Mayhem and my Great Grandmother.  My grandmum was also in the hospital for a month and my other grandmum fell a couple of times and had her house broken into.  On the good side, my dad was not in the hospital.  The bump under my breast was only a cyst.  My husband and family that I associate with are amazing.  
   I am really looking forward to a few things this year.  It will be our 2nd wedding anniversary on April 20th.  We will have 6 years together on August 22nd and I know what I need to do for the upcoming year in gifts.     I'm looking forward to creating some new designs and completing a shit ton of projects.  I'm also looking forward to the wonderful friendships I have built over the last couple of years and keeping those as strong as I can.  You guys know who you are and you are like my long distance family that I love oh so much. 
  I'm SO close to finishing my book that I can taste it.  It will be a very raw and real version of myself and I will not be so censored as I often find that I am while blogging.  I don't really say my "fuck yous" as loudly as I'd like to on my blogs and I don't really speak as frankly as I can.  Trust me, you think I'm an asshole here?  Wait till you read my book (if you want.).  
   I have the best husband.  The best furry children.  The best parents.  The best in laws.  The best friends.  The best bestie. I understand all this, although I may not always see it when I'm blinded by my depression, I know it's there when my vision clears.  

Friday, December 27, 2013

My Christmas Nightmare

   A few nights before Christmas, I had my first episode of ISP (Isolated Sleep Paralysis) and it was the scariest fucking thing I've ever experienced.
   I was asleep when I felt one of the cats run past my legs so I popped awake and as I was looking for the cat, I felt the comforter press down on my right arm, it felt like my cat Chuck was walking toward me, but I looked and saw only the comforter move down and NOTHING WAS THERE.  I started to freak the fuck out and tried to move my left arm to throw the covers off, BUT I COULDN'T!
   It felt like I was being pinned down by some unknown being.  I finally was able to get my left arm free and throw the blankets off and my heart was racing.  I then covered myself and went back to sleep. I couldn't shake this when I woke up, however.  I was still freaked the fuck out.   When we woke up that morning, I told CW about this and he told me that he'd read about Sleep Paralysis and what I had explained to him sounded exactly like that.
   I was at first telling him, "No, I think that fucking ghost is fucking with me."  Then I thought about it, and said, "Well, it could have been a hallucination, although my hallucinations are usually only audio..." He shook his head and said, "I'm pretty sure it was sleep paralysis."  So, I spent that entire day feeling off kilter because I was unsure of what was going on.
   Later that day CW was reading to me about sleep paralysis and it sounded fucking spot on.  I hate that I had to experience this and I hope that no one ever has to go through what I did.  All I felt was fear.  I would never wish this upon anyone.
   I hope that I never experience that again.  Since that night, I have decided to take a break from crafting for a bit because I was so anxious about getting everything done, I think that all the stress it what caused this episode.  So, I'm taking a few days off to gather my bearings and read a bit.  To all those that I love and owe gifts to, please, accept my apology for their tardiness.

Wednesday, December 4, 2013

There is no time frame for being thankful...

  This year I didn't really say what I was thankful for around Thanksgiving time as I usually do.  I thought about blogging, but as far as sitting down and doing it, I failed.  So today, I am doing it.  It's not like it's ever to late to give thanks right?

   First off, I am absolutely thankful for my husband.  He is the one person who has to deal with me on a daily basis and that is no easy feat.  He has made my house, our home.  He has given me a reason to take care of my mental ailments and he makes life better.  He does anything he can to make me happy and although I rarely show it, deep down, I am.

   I am thankful to have my parents in my life.  When life has been shitty and I hate everything, I know that I will always love my parents and have two best friends that I can go to for solace and love.  This year has been a better year than last because my dad has not had to have any types of surgeries or hospital stays.  My mom is such a rock, I could never be as strong as her.

   I am thankful for having a best friend who checks in on me when I'm antisocial and who gets me.  She lets me know that she loves me and she makes me so thankful to have her in my life.  I've had lots of friends who have left when things got rough with me and I pushed them away, she has never allowed me to push her away even when I used my all and said every nasty thing ever.  For that, I am ever so grateful.

   I am thankful for my in-laws who have given me a family when I lost my own.  I have the most adorable nephews, the best sister in law and the two most awesome brother in laws ever.  My ma in law makes me feel welcome and loved and my pa in law makes me laugh.  My stepson is getting to be so tall... it's ridiculous.  I'm lucky to have them as my family.

  I am thankful for the family that I do keep in contact with because they have been there for me and believed me when I feared the worst.  My grandma and great aunts show me love and support when I need it the most.

   I am thankful for my friends near and far that help get me through things and understand me.  I haven't met many of them in person but they have shown me more love than people I've known my entire life.  I am forever and ever thankful for the internet for giving me these lovelies that have made daily life more interesting than it would have been.  You guys know who you are.

   I am thankful for my furry babies, when the world decided that I could not bare human children, God gave them to me.  A furry baby's love is the true definition of unconditional.  They do not care what you look like, what mood you are in, how you dress, if you brush your hair or put on make up... they just love you.

   I am thankful that I got to know my Great Grandma and had her in my life for thirty years.  I miss her so much and can't believe she's actually gone.  My heart still aches and there are parts of it that are now empty because she is not here.  I will forever be grateful for every single memory I have of her.

   I'm thankful for my therapist because she has helped me get through the toughest last few years.  She has helped me to understand things about myself that I couldn't wrap my head around.

   I'm thankful to have a roof over my head and love in my heart.  I am thankful for my bond with The Lord above and all the many blessings that have been given to me.  My life hasn't been peaches and cream, but some days, it sure feels like it has been because the people around me make me forget.

Saturday, November 23, 2013

When my filter shuts down...

   Usually, I try to be polite with most things I say.  However, sometimes my mouth speaks a lot faster than I can process the fact that what I just said was inappropriate.  I do this quite often, even without knowing a lot of times.  It's only when we get home and my husband reminds me that the things I say can often be hurtful and then I am reminded that I sometimes suck.

   The things I say are usually impulse thoughts and not the way I really feel.  For that moment in time when I am too busy inserting my foot in my mouth, it's like I'm absent and I don't even realize that not everyone in the world understands what it's like to be an asshole without knowing.  I willfully admit that I am an asshole and I have said some very hurtful things that I don't mean but that I know will hurt someone and I say it only because at that moment, I am hurt.

  I wish that there was a way for me to pause myself before I say most things because in life, there is no rewind button.  You don't get a redo.  You can't take away things that you say that hurt others.  I know this because I too am a victim of assholes.  I remember most hurtful things that people say or have said to me and I have a hard time forgetting no matter what.

   The medication I'm on makes me forget the most basic of things, like what I was going to do, simple words, what I did five minutes ago... etc... but it can't make me forget assholey things that have been said to me.

   I also harp on things that I said.  I want to take 90% of the hurtful shit I've said back, but I can't.  I can just sit and ponder and worry that the people I love won't love me anymore.  I do this for hours.  I dream about it and even after weeks have past, I get that awful feeling in the pit of my stomach.

   It really fucking sucks because I'm stuck in this roller coaster of emotions and I don't usually fast cycle so I'm stuck being depressed for long periods of time.  I rarely get manic.  This may sound like a good thing for some, but for me, I'd rather be manic because that's when I'm most creative.  I don't need sleep (I can't get any at least) and I don't want to just stare at the wall as I often do when I'm depressed.  I'm not as lost in my head, but then during my mania, I can sometimes be a super asshole without even realizing what a dick I am because I can't stay focused on just one thought... then once my super asshole action is brought to my attention, I drop into a deep depression and can't let it go.

   I feel that right now.  I feel like my mind is just shutting out everything else and just making me think of every asshole thing I've done.  I cry a lot.  I cry when I don't mean to.  I cry when I don't want to.  I cry constantly.

   I'm not even sure that what I've written  makes any sense because I can't think straight.  I hate being bipolar so much.  I hate having all these issues that make me a nightmare.  I hate that I can't even understand why anyone would love me.

Sunday, April 21, 2013

One year later...

   Yesterday (4/20/2013) was our one year wedding anniversary.  Granted, CW and I have been together for almost 5 years but our first wedding anniversary was special to us.  We celebrated traditionally with paper and by paper we decided to write each other letters.  Our letters were supposed to be quick little notes, well CW made me promise to stick to ONE page and I did so, yet he wrote me this beautiful four page letter.  It brought tears of happiness to my eyes and solidified my thought process that came to me as I was writing my letter to him.
   When I'm writing, thoughts come to me.  They fly in and out of my brain.  Sometimes when I'm driving home or sitting there, they do the same thing to me and I try to catch them before I forget so I get them worded just right.
   What I've come to understand after these last few years is that, I really and truly am blessed.  I now know that everything that I had to suffer through and go through previously, all the hurt with the crap my cousin did to me.  The crap I went/[am going] through with being mentally ill, being bullied for my appearance, every guy I ever dated who treated me poorly, just all the hurt I suffered in my life... for all of this, I am being blessed with the gift of a man who treats me like a queen.  A man who makes me feel like I am such a catch.  A man who makes me feel beautiful and intelligent and wonderful.  A man who accepts all my flaky shit and doesn't make me feel like absolute crap for being a bipolar mess.  A man who deals with my counting compulsion and the fact that I have to do things in a certain way or I feel like I'm going to vomit.  A man who deals with my whining and doesn't make me feel like I'm whining.  A man who never calls me names or says anything negative about me.  He is my gift.   My gift for all the bad that I've had to deal with.
   CW and I are not perfect, we fight and we disagree but that's because we are only human.  We are going to do these things, that doesn't mean that we are a bad couple, the fact is, CW is truly my other half.  I love him more than I could ever explain with words or actions... I can try, but anything I say or do could never be enough to let him know how much I love him.  
 
   With all that being said, my husband and I had a wonderful day together.  We started the day by having breakfast with my parents.  They took us out so they could give us our gift it was paper of the monetary kind ($$$) :) and then we went out to get a boba tea (my fave) and pick up our replica of our wedding cake top.  Which was adorable PLUS we did not have to eat year old cake.  Then we went to my parents' house to take my dad a boba tea and hang out for a little while and then came home and relaxed and decided to go out to dinner at Azuma the sushi and teppan restaurant where CW proposed to me.  It was also the place we went to for our one year anniversary back in 2009 and CW proposed there in 2011.  So it has sentimental value.  It's kinda "our" place.  After stuffing our faces, we came home and had a piece of our cake and watched Wreck It Ralph which was cute and then we played COD: Black OPs II till we got tired then we turned on 30 Rock and fell asleeps.  It was a busy day and a good one.  I only had minor anxiety while we were getting boba.  Oh and we ordered a clock that has a different bird sound every hour to celebrate our one year wedding anniversary the modern way as well.  CW said he wanted something geeky and unique like me.  I thought that would be pretty unique in our home since it wouldn't really fit in with anything and I thought I'd like the bird sounds.

Now, here's our wedding song for all of you to enjoy.