Tuesday, May 7, 2019

It's been a while...

I haven't blogged in over four years.  I haven't blogged for a multitude of reasons.  Mainly, my focus isn't as great as it once was.

A lot has happened. Too much has happened.

Most recently, we lost one of our dogs. She was our middle dog.  Her name was Patchik and she was such a good girl.

I miss her. I was with her as she took her last breath and with it, she took a part of me with her.

I stayed up all night with her the night before she passed. She kept moving away from me, my little loner girl, but I wanted her to know that she was not alone and she was deeply loved.  I needed to do it. I needed to be with her.

I did the same with Chucky when we lost him almost 2 years ago.  I miss my kitty. I miss him so much.

We added 2 kitties to our pack since we lost Chuck. A deaf, albino barn kitty and an ex feral cat that looks like my childhood cat and acts just like my Chucky.

My heart was starting to mend a bit after losing Chuck, then we lost Patchik and it's broken all over again.

We've also lost 2 of my parents cats, DWB and Bill along with their rottie, Mischief.  If you know me, you know that my parents animals are just as much mine. I pet sit for them and see them daily so those were just as bad as losing my furbabies.

It's been rough.

Those aren't the only losses though... we lost my brother in law as well and that was insanely difficult.  He was the first member of my husband's family that I met and the first year that we dated, I saw him all the time.  I miss him. So much.

Along with this, I just feel like the biggest asshole because although it's been two and a half years... I still remember that I wasn't the wife that I needed to be for my husband.

I was selfish and acted like such an idiot at the funeral.  I was gutted at seeing one of his exes there and I felt slighted by his family because the wives of their sons weren't mentioned in his obituary so it felt/feels like they don't really think of us (me) as part of the family.  I shouldn't have made it about me though.  This was about my brother in law and my husband's loss. I needed to be there for him but I didn't feel like I belonged so it made it so hard for me to act like a functioning part of society.

I couldn't sit with him because I just felt like a foreigner in a strange land. I loved my brother in law and it didn't feel like anybody cared that I also lost a family member.  I just... I just let my emotions take over and do my thinking rather than let my brain tell me to stop acting like an asshole and hold my husband's hand and Fuck what anyone else thought, because he sees me as his family and that's all that matters.

I will hold that guilt until the day I take my last breath.

I'm not trying to justify my actions, but it just fucking sucks that I'm not only rejected by my own family, but I'm also rejected by my husband's family.

I say this because it's true. I was excluded from a birthday dinner honoring my brother in law, my mother in law deleted me from Facebook over political views and I was called a multitude of names by my sister in law (husband's living brother's wife).

I decided to pull back after all this.  I'm keeping more and more to my tiny bubble of family because I just can't handle the pain and heartache that "family" causes.

We recently went to dinner with my in laws and my amazing (step)son and his awesome girlfriend and I didn't have much interaction with my MIL or FIL because really, they don't care about me. That's pretty obvious. I mean, my mother in law cares more about her relationship with one of my late brother in law's acquaintance than she does her relationship with me.

As my husband was telling me what they were talking about as I was enjoying conversation with my stepson and his gf on our way home, it kinda ripped a chunk of my heart out that she cares so much about some random person but not the person that her oldest son is married to and has been with for almost 11 years.

I tried to convey how much this hurt me to my husband but I don't really know if he truly gets how much it hurts me because my parents don't consider him an "in law" he is their son, plain and simple.  I know it's not my husband's fault, he doesn't control his parents... but I just wish he'd do something to let them know that their actions affect me and thereby affect he and I as a whole.

I just feel so fucking broken and helpless. I try to keep everything in because I don't want to burden anyone else with my stupid problems but it's really breaking me in so many ways.

I don't want to trouble anyone with the shit I'm going through and I just don't know how much more I can stifle...

See what I mean about lack of focus?

I wish I could explain things better...

Sunday, January 25, 2015

I'm saying it loud and proud: I'm pansexual!

Lately, I've read a lot of things about people talking crap about pansexuality,  As someone who identifies as a pansexual, I find this hurtful. Just because you may not agree with something or relate to something does not mean that it doesn't exist.

I do not consider myself bisexual because I'm not attracted to a person's gender, I'm attracted to the person.  There is something that draws me to a person, not what's between their legs.

I spent my entire life completely confused at what was "wrong" with me because I couldn't identify with what everyone around me was doing.  I never sought out a specific gender to be attracted to.  I was confused as a child when I was attracted to other females, yet I still liked males as well but not only that, I found that I was attracted to transgengered people as well.  If there was something about a person that I was attracted to, their gender was nothing to me,  It's like being attracted to blondes or brunettes... you can't explain it, it's just something that is.

When I was older, I actually had a couple of relationships with women which confused me even more.  I told my parents that I had no idea what was going on with me.  I was still insanely confused.  My parents supported me no matter what.

One day, I was watching some show (I can't remember what now) but they said pansexual and described it and well, it described me.  I didn't care what a person was, I cared who they were.  I was freaking elated by the fact that I could push away the confusion and I had something that I could call myself.  I was no longer confused by what was going on in my mind, I no longer had to wonder why I felt the way I did when it came to others.

Now what bothers me is the fact that people feel the need to insult or be so aggressive about the way others identify. Why does my "gender blindness" bother you so much?  Does it affect you in any way?  No, it doesn't.  Most likely I'm not attracted to someone who's so closed-minded therefore you don't have to worry about my attraction to you.

It's just like I will never understand those who are so angry about homosexuality.  How does one person's marriage affect another's?  It's simple, it doesn't.  Just like heterosexual marriages have no affect on each other, neither does a homosexual marriage.

People talk about the "sanctity" of marriage being ruined by allowing marriage equality... if that were the case, then let's outlaw divorce because that REALLY ruins the sanctity of marriage.

People talk about others going to hell because of their sexuality.  Even if that were the case, does it really affect you?  No.  It does not.

My point is this, just because you don't understand or relate to something doesn't make it wrong.  My sexual preference is mine and mine only.  I just like being able to relate to something.   After years of mental anguish and confusion, it's nice to know that I'm not alone.  

Monday, September 15, 2014


So, I always crave this butterbeer I read about in Harry Potter books (p.s. I'm on the last one now) even though I've never tried it.  

I've looked up a few recipes and none sound too appealing or have too many ingredients or just blegh... and since I don't see myself going to Hogsmeade any time soon, I decided to make myself a cup of butterbeer, my own version.

It's really simple and can be made with 4 ingredients (possibly 3).  I may continue to experiment, but even my muggle husband enjoyed this!

2 packets of Alpine Instant Apple Cider (or whatever brand of apple cider instant or not)
water (if using ready made apple cider just pop it in the microwave for a minute or two)
about a teaspoon or so of butter
2 small scoops vanilla ice cream

I put my cider packets and butter in my cup while waiting for my water to boil.

Once I poured in my boiling water, I mixed everything very well.

I put a couple of small scoops of vanilla ice cream in my cup and mixed it a little.

OMFG! here it is in all it's glory.  

So tell me, what do you think?  Do you have your own butterbeer recipe you've tried?

Tuesday, August 5, 2014

I've gone batty! (Free amigurumi bat pattern)

yarn needle
Yarn colors of choice

Wings (make 4):
Ch 12
Row 1: Sc in 2nd st from hook-ch 1and SC in same st, *HDC in next st, DC in next 2 st, HDC in next st, SC in next st* repeat from * to * ch 1, turn (12 sts)
Row 2: SC in same st as ch 1, *HDC in next st, DC in next 2 st, HDC in next st*, SC in next st, repeat from * to * ch 1, turn (10 sts)
Row 3: SC in same st as ch 1, *SC in next st, SC- ch 2- SC in next st, Sc in next st, SC in next st,* repeat from * to * sl st in last st
Leave long enough tail to sew 2 wings together.

each wing should look like this
sew 2 wings together, weave in ends but leave one end to sew to body.

Eyes (Make 2):
Magic circle with 6 SC, or ch 3 sl st to first ch and SC 6 times. Use stitch marker to mark the beginning of each round
Round 2: 2 SC in each st (12 sts), sl st to first st in round, Finish Off leaving a tail long enough to sew to body.
Add white for eye glisten

Here's an example of the completed eye with glisten.

Magic circle with 6 SC, or ch 3 sl st to first ch and SC 6 times. Use stitch marker to mark the beginning of each round
Round 2: 2 SC in each st (12 sts)
Round 3: 2 SC in first st, SC in next st, repeat around (18 sts)
Round 4: 2 SC in first st, SC in next 2 sts, repeat around (24 sts)
Round 5: 2 SC in first st, SC in next 3 sts, repeat around (30 sts)
Round 6: 2 SC in first st, SC in next 4 sts, repeat around (36 sts)
Round 7-15- 1 SC in each st around
Round 16: SC Dec, SC in next 4 sts, repeat around (30 sts)
Round 17: SC Dec, SC in next 3 sts, repeat around (24 sts)
Round 18: SC Dec, SC in next 2 sts, repeat around (18 sts)

At this point I like to sew on eyes and embroider mouth before I stuff, I like to fold where the row begins (see pic) and then sew eyes onto body. You can embroider the mouth however you would like to add a bit of your own personality. I like to make it look like two little fangs with a drip of blood on one fang. Stuff with polyfil.

Finishing up:
crochet back and forth across the top with SC. Weave in ends. Sew wings to back of bat body.

You can either attach a loop to make the bat an ornament or leave as is.   

This bat has not been tested, I'm sorry if there are any mistakes.  Please feel free to message me if you have any questions!

Sunday, July 27, 2014

Chain of Wools: Link scarf pattern

This pattern is very adaptable. What I am giving you is essentially a guide of how to make a scarf.

I used a J Hook
Worsted Weight Yarn
Gauge is not important
These are only suggestions, as stated this is a guide, experiment!  :)
Ch 287

Step 1: dc in 3rd ch from hook, dc in next 4 chs, *ch 5, skip next 5 chs, dc in next 5 ch* repeat from * to * till end of chain. FO, this will be Link A

Step 2: make another ch 287 and weave it through Link A (see photo) then dc in 3rd ch from hook, dc in next 4 chs, *ch 5, skip next 5 chs, dc in next 5 ch* repeat from * to * till end of chain. FO, this will be Link B.  You can weave in from either top or bottom.  I like to switch back and forth starting my weave from bottom on one link, then top on next (or vice versa).

Step 3: make another ch 287 and weave it through Link B (see photo) then dc in 3rd ch from hook, dc in next 4 chs,  *ch 5, skip next 5 chs, dc in next 5 ch* repeat from * to * till end of chain. FO, this will be Link C.   Continue to repeat Steps 4 and 5 till reach the desired width of scarf.  For my completed scarf I did 7 links.

Here is what my scarf looked like after 4 links:

Finishing: I completed one scarf with a solid bottom by 3 sc in the bottom of each chain continuously, but I also completed a second scarf by adding fringe to the bottom of each link.  I think that fringe made the scarf flow better, but again, this pattern is adaptable to your preferences! play around with the pattern and see what works for you.  

The first scarf I completed looked like this:

Here is the bottom of the second scarf that was completed with fringe:

Disclaimer:  I saw this idea on pinterest but the page was in another language and did not have clear instructions so I decided to write down what I did, using my own version and calculating the amount of stitches needed for a scarf a little over 5 feet long.  I'm offering this as a guide for others to play around with.

Monday, July 14, 2014

Hashtag Giveaway

I would have liked to have this giveaway up sooner but I've been suffering from extremely painful migraines the last two days.  This morning was the worst.

Well, I'm better and ready to giveaway a few items!  So here is what we have up for grabs:
A wonderful crocheted market bag and scarf made by yours truly.  (If the winner does not want the rainbow colored items, they will be able to select two colors and I will make the package in those two colors)

A mini monster (pattern courtesy of Knot By Gran'ma) which I had the wonderful opportunity of testing.  (color will vary)

A an issue of Too Yarn Cute Crochet Magazine (courtesy of Too Yarn Cute)

Friday, July 11, 2014

It's a bird! It's a plane! No... it's a BAT!

I've been working on a few crochet patterns to release soon.  I'm debating releasing one of my patterns  for free.  If I can get up to 200 likes on my Facebook page by next friday, then I will release this guy as a free pattern:

I know that I haven't been on here as much as I should but, HARRY POTTER!!!  I don't want to not read, plus I have SO many books on my to read list.  I just find myself lost in them and not writing for myself.  Oh and plus I am trying to become a better knitter... also, I've realized that I still don't know ALL THE THINGS about crochet...