Year in Review, Year in Preview.

   The last year flew by.  It really did.  I'm not sure how I feel about that because every year since I started dating my husband, has flown by.  I mean one minute I was 25 and the next I'm turning 31 in a month and a half.  It's good and sucks at the same time.  Every time I see my nephews or step son, they are much bigger than the last time.

   Sometimes it feels like there aren't enough hours in the day.  I have so much I want to do and yet, the thought of everything overwhelms me.

   2013 had a lot of ups and downs, it was very bipolar.  There were two lows that were the shittiest, losing Mayhem and my Great Grandmother.  My grandmum was also in the hospital for a month and my other grandmum fell a couple of times and had her house broken into.  On the good side, my dad was not in the hospital.  The bump under my breast was only a cyst.  My husband and family that I associate with are amazing.  

   I am really looking forward to a few things this year.  It will be our 2nd wedding anniversary on April 20th.  We will have 6 years together on August 22nd and I know what I need to do for the upcoming year in gifts.     I'm looking forward to creating some new designs and completing a shit ton of projects.  I'm also looking forward to the wonderful friendships I have built over the last couple of years and keeping those as strong as I can.  You guys know who you are and you are like my long distance family that I love oh so much. 

  I'm SO close to finishing my book that I can taste it.  It will be a very raw and real version of myself and I will not be so censored as I often find that I am while blogging.  I don't really say my "fuck yous" as loudly as I'd like to on my blogs and I don't really speak as frankly as I can.  Trust me, you think I'm an asshole here?  Wait till you read my book (if you want.).  

   I have the best husband.  The best furry children.  The best parents.  The best in laws.  The best friends.  The best bestie. I understand all this, although I may not always see it when I'm blinded by my depression, I know it's there when my vision clears.  

When my filter shuts down...

   Usually, I try to be polite with most things I say.  However, sometimes my mouth speaks a lot faster than I can process the fact that what I just said was inappropriate.  I do this quite often, even without knowing a lot of times.  It's only when we get home and my husband reminds me that the things I say can often be hurtful and then I am reminded that I sometimes suck.

   The things I say are usually impulse thoughts and not the way I really feel.  For that moment in time when I am too busy inserting my foot in my mouth, it's like I'm absent and I don't even realize that not everyone in the world understands what it's like to be an asshole without knowing.  I willfully admit that I am an asshole and I have said some very hurtful things that I don't mean but that I know will hurt someone and I say it only because at that moment, I am hurt.

  I wish that there was a way for me to pause myself before I say most things because in life, there is no rewind button.  You don't get a redo.  You can't take away things that you say that hurt others.  I know this because I too am a victim of assholes.  I remember most hurtful things that people say or have said to me and I have a hard time forgetting no matter what.

   The medication I'm on makes me forget the most basic of things, like what I was going to do, simple words, what I did five minutes ago... etc... but it can't make me forget assholey things that have been said to me.

   I also harp on things that I said.  I want to take 90% of the hurtful shit I've said back, but I can't.  I can just sit and ponder and worry that the people I love won't love me anymore.  I do this for hours.  I dream about it and even after weeks have past, I get that awful feeling in the pit of my stomach.

   It really fucking sucks because I'm stuck in this roller coaster of emotions and I don't usually fast cycle so I'm stuck being depressed for long periods of time.  I rarely get manic.  This may sound like a good thing for some, but for me, I'd rather be manic because that's when I'm most creative.  I don't need sleep (I can't get any at least) and I don't want to just stare at the wall as I often do when I'm depressed.  I'm not as lost in my head, but then during my mania, I can sometimes be a super asshole without even realizing what a dick I am because I can't stay focused on just one thought... then once my super asshole action is brought to my attention, I drop into a deep depression and can't let it go.

   I feel that right now.  I feel like my mind is just shutting out everything else and just making me think of every asshole thing I've done.  I cry a lot.  I cry when I don't mean to.  I cry when I don't want to.  I cry constantly.

   I'm not even sure that what I've written  makes any sense because I can't think straight.  I hate being bipolar so much.  I hate having all these issues that make me a nightmare.  I hate that I can't even understand why anyone would love me.