Saturday, November 23, 2013

When my filter shuts down...

   Usually, I try to be polite with most things I say.  However, sometimes my mouth speaks a lot faster than I can process the fact that what I just said was inappropriate.  I do this quite often, even without knowing a lot of times.  It's only when we get home and my husband reminds me that the things I say can often be hurtful and then I am reminded that I sometimes suck.

   The things I say are usually impulse thoughts and not the way I really feel.  For that moment in time when I am too busy inserting my foot in my mouth, it's like I'm absent and I don't even realize that not everyone in the world understands what it's like to be an asshole without knowing.  I willfully admit that I am an asshole and I have said some very hurtful things that I don't mean but that I know will hurt someone and I say it only because at that moment, I am hurt.

  I wish that there was a way for me to pause myself before I say most things because in life, there is no rewind button.  You don't get a redo.  You can't take away things that you say that hurt others.  I know this because I too am a victim of assholes.  I remember most hurtful things that people say or have said to me and I have a hard time forgetting no matter what.

   The medication I'm on makes me forget the most basic of things, like what I was going to do, simple words, what I did five minutes ago... etc... but it can't make me forget assholey things that have been said to me.

   I also harp on things that I said.  I want to take 90% of the hurtful shit I've said back, but I can't.  I can just sit and ponder and worry that the people I love won't love me anymore.  I do this for hours.  I dream about it and even after weeks have past, I get that awful feeling in the pit of my stomach.

   It really fucking sucks because I'm stuck in this roller coaster of emotions and I don't usually fast cycle so I'm stuck being depressed for long periods of time.  I rarely get manic.  This may sound like a good thing for some, but for me, I'd rather be manic because that's when I'm most creative.  I don't need sleep (I can't get any at least) and I don't want to just stare at the wall as I often do when I'm depressed.  I'm not as lost in my head, but then during my mania, I can sometimes be a super asshole without even realizing what a dick I am because I can't stay focused on just one thought... then once my super asshole action is brought to my attention, I drop into a deep depression and can't let it go.

   I feel that right now.  I feel like my mind is just shutting out everything else and just making me think of every asshole thing I've done.  I cry a lot.  I cry when I don't mean to.  I cry when I don't want to.  I cry constantly.

   I'm not even sure that what I've written  makes any sense because I can't think straight.  I hate being bipolar so much.  I hate having all these issues that make me a nightmare.  I hate that I can't even understand why anyone would love me.

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