Thursday, July 5, 2012

...And I Never Remember What It's Called

   My life is pretty much an open book, there are a few aspects that I keep private, but those are rare.  Really, I've learned that I'm not weird.  It's because I'm a writer and we tend to do these things (well, some of us in some form or another). I've been going through some personal turmoil that I've alluded to but not been very clear on, I will not go any further as well because apparently anything I fucking say is not fucking allowed (because free speech is NOT free speech) without me getting treated like shit so... I will discuss another matter instead that has been haunting my mind.
   Two and a half years ago I was diagnosed with Idiopathic Thrombocytopenic Purpura, ITP for short (I always call it ITP, always have to look it up). Which would be easier defined by the professionals than myself so:
Idiopathic thrombocytopenic purpura (ITP), also called immune thrombocytopenic purpura, is a blood-clotting disorder that can lead to easy or excessive bruising and bleeding. ITP results from unusually low levels of platelets — the cells that help your blood clot.
Idiopathic thrombocytopenic purpura affects both children and adults. Children often develop idiopathic thrombocytopenic purpura after a viral infection and usually recover fully without treatment. In adults, however, the disorder is often chronic.
Treatment of idiopathic thrombocytopenic purpura depends on your symptoms and platelet count. If you don't have signs of bleeding and your platelet count isn't too low, treatment for idiopathic thrombocytopenic purpura usually isn't necessary. More serious cases may be treated with medications or, in critical situations, with surgery.
Most normal people have about  150,000-450,000 platelets.  When I went in for my surgery 2.5 yrs ago, I had 26,000.  Which wasn't enough for me to have surgery so I had infusions (I wasn't getting platelets but this stuff that gets the platelets going, memory fails me now as to what the treatment is called) which pumped me up to about 55,000.  Then about a week before my surgery when they tested me again, my platelet count fell down to about 14,000.  So I had to have another infusion, transfusion, whatever they call it.  I know however that the rising count of my platelets was only temporary, so it freaks me out because if they went from 26,000 to 14,000 in such a short period of time, what are they now?
   The doctor also told me that my spleen might have to be removed which when I read about that, seems even fucking scarier than keeping it in there.  I was also reading:
The greatest risk is when your platelet count falls very low — below 10,000 platelets per microliter. At this point, internal bleeding may occur despite a lack of any injury.
What. The. Fuck.  Do they not know who I am?  I'm a fucking walking injury?  I constantly hurt myself.  It seems like the more I TRY to avoid injury, the more I fucking do it.  Last night, I fucking hit my head as I was getting in the car.  How the fuck do I do that?  This scares the shit out of me because if I can get internal bleeding without even fucking hurting myself, WTF am I going to do if I do hurt myself?  I know I'm probably making a bigger deal than I need to, but seriously.  So yeah, and then my entire body does this thing where it fucking hurts to be touched... anywhere.  The muscles get really tense and knotted.  I just feel like I'm falling apart emotionally and physically.


  1. Gentle hugs to you! And the very best wishes too XOXO!

    1. Thank you much doll! XOXO!! The same goes to you and your little doll :)