Thursday, July 19, 2012

A Pansexual Walks into a Bar...

   I'm writing this because lately I've been reading a lot of articles and blogs and also seeing a lot of news stories on television about hatred toward people based on their sexuality.  I'm not writing this to cause any sort of uproar or to make any sort of "point," I'm just simply writing from my heart.
   As a child I grew up insanely confused.  From a very young age I had developed a crush on Darlene from the TV show Roseanne.  Talk about not knowing WTF is going on in your head.  I'm not even sure how old I was.  All I know is that, I loved her.  Not in the way that I loved other girls like my best friend (at the time) or my mom, I loved her in a different way (the "I want to marry her" kind of way).  There was something about her.  That crush continued on as the show continued on and I watched the show even through the horrid 8th and 9th seasons (just for Darlene, my goodness, she got better with age).  I still watch reruns to this day.
   Now, Darlene wasn't my only crush.  I had other crushes on girls, not my friends.  Usually celebrities (Janeane Garofalo) or characters in movies (ie Angelina Jolie's character "Lisa" in Girl, Interrupted, Winona Ryder's character "Jo March" in Little Women).  Then when I was 14, I met this woman, she was in her early 20s and I absolutely had an insane crush on her.  I could NOT stop thinking about her.  Now, I never looked at other girls like this, so this was extremely confusing to me.  Was I a lesbian?
   I was only 14 and aside from celebrity crushes I had never met someone in person that I had actually been attracted to physically, until her.  I never said anything.  I just kept it all inside.  And for the next 4 years, there was never another female that I would be attracted to again in person until I met the first woman I would have a quasi relationship with.
   I never actively sought out relationships with women, but when I met this girl, there was just something about her that made every thing in my soul just crave her.  After this little fling, I was again left severely confused.  What was I? Was I gay?  Was I straight?  Was I bi?  Did I believe in bisexuality?
   For a while, I was just left confused and my fling with the woman left me thinking, "women are just like men, heartbreakers."  I had spoken with my parents and told them about my confusion because I had no clue what was going on in my head, I told them I might be gay, but what I really was, was confused.  They were fine with it.  They said I was young and needed to just grow to understand myself.  I never told the rest of my family that I had this confusion because I was worried about the whole religious repercussions that would come along with it.   I consider myself spiritual and I have a pretty strong bond with God, but I can't control the internal struggle that was going on within my soul.  It's not like I wanted to be sexually confused.
   After a while, and meeting a few guys and going on a few dates and still being attracted to men as well, I figured, I may have just been jaded and that may have been what caused my desire for that woman.  Then, a few months later, I met another girl and I instantly had that same feeling again.  I was just instantly attracted to her, I'm not sure what it was but the moment I met her I just wanted her.  Every part of my being was drawn to her.  It wasn't just a physical thing, it was more than that.  It took about 3 years before her and I ever acted on anything but, that same confusion came back to me.  After that, I figured, I must be bisexual.  I didn't look at all women and have attraction to them, I appreciate beauty, but that's the artist in me.  There are only certain women who draw out attraction and instantly make me just want to be with them, but then again, it's the same for men as well.
   Until recently, well about 3 years ago, I never knew what I was.  Now I know the term, I'm pansexual. I don't really care about a person's gender.  I'm not attracted to that.  It's really the person that I care about.  But damned if I wasn't confused as fuck for the last 20 or so years. For people to say that it's under a person's control who they are attracted to, I can speak from personal experience, it's really not.  If it were, I would have saved myself years of confusion.  Not only were those years when I didn't know if I was gay, straight, bi or what confusing, they were frustrating... and for people to try to condemn others for something that they can't control, that's just downright stupid.
   My heart hurts for those who don't get to have the same rights as I.  Just because I happened to fall in love with a man, doesn't mean that I couldn't have fallen just as easily for a woman, and if I did, I would want to have the same rights and privileges as everyone else.  I'm not sure why people feel the need to say what is "right" and "wrong" in love.  The matters of the heart do not belong in the mouths of Fast Food CEOs or any other asshole that wants to spread his hatred out to others.
   I may spew a lot of angry words, but damnit, on this matter, I want everyone to have equal rights.  It's only fair.  If I get to love publicly, everyone should be able to.

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