Wednesday, June 27, 2012

Yes, I am socially inept.

   My social anxiety is no secret, it's something I'm quite open with.  In fact, I'm pretty fuckin' open with most of my issues.  The fact that I have social anxiety and that it's steadily gotten worse over the years is beyond frustrating to me.  For those who don't suffer from such an issue, they may think, "get over it, wimp."
   I really do wish it were that easy.  For me, when I'm in a social situation where I feel comfortable, like a family function where I know most people, hell yeah, I'm loud, I'm funny (at least, I can make myself laugh), I'm awesome.  However, when it comes to social situations where I am uncomfortable, (pretty much everything else) I crumble. I break out in hives, I get tunnel vision, I can't hear anything, I can't concentrate, I have cold sweats, I get frustrated, I get snappy, I just want to cry.  Sometimes, even just the THOUGHT of an unknown situation can cause this type of reaction.  It's really shitty for me because it makes it difficult for me to do a lot of things.
   Sometimes if I do manage to get out there and do something foreign I have to be heavily medicated and really, that's not anything fun for me because then I just want to go to sleep.  If I have to interact with people I don't know, that's even worse.
   I try to do things to "get over" this like going shopping and I even went to my first baseball game in like 15 years, but that doesn't change crap over night.  I'm trying.  I'm trying really hard.  Granted, this has gotten worse but I'm still doing my best to do shit.  I have a lot of issues that I need to work on and I'm sorry that I can't be a social butterfly, or even a semi normal person when it comes to socializing.  I do wish that I could interact normally without wanting to scratch the top layer of skin off due to hives or speak to someone without holding my breath, but I can't at this current moment in time.

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