Day 23: Something You Always Think "What if?" About
I tend to think "what if" about a lot of shit. Like sometimes I wonder "what if I would have never been a nosey bitch and snooped through CW's shit" would we have these fights that we do? Would he have stopped doing all the shit he was doing on his own? I'm not saying that he and I fight all the time but on occasion, I get a wild hair up my ass (when I'm having an "ugly" day for instance, girls know what I'm talking about) and I may pick a fight and bring up the "Kari" situation or "the bitch from Texas" situation. And I know it's been 3 and a half years, but that doesn't change the sting or the heartache that these situations brought. Some may ask, well, why'd you stay? And to that I say, "You try breathing without your lungs, you try going on without a heart." Because that's what it would have felt like if I would have left. My everything belonged to CW long before he and I became a couple.
You see, just because he may not have known right away that I was the one for him, does not change the fact that I knew that he was the one for me. I was already too wrapped up in everything to walk away from him. Had he been anyone else, I probably would have just left. I probably would have removed any emotions from the situation and become void. He would have ceased to exist and I would have moved on, but with him, I could not do that. Even the thought of saying goodbye to him just made my heart hurt so much that I wanted to crawl into a little hole and die. So to him, to the man I believe is my true soul mate, I do give him a little more leniency than I had anyone else in the past. I let him hurt my heart a little, because he's the one that has to repair the damages for the rest of our lives anyway.
I'm still insecure. I'm still jealous. You don't go through life hearing, "you would be so beautiful if... you lost weight." or "you have such a beautiful face, now only if you would lose weight." and not have some sort of fucking complex. I don't understand why people can't just fucking stop at the "you're beautiful" part. Why does beautiful have to equate to skinny? I mean come on, I fucking ate to keep a molester away as a child, didn't help, but I tried. Don't I get some sort of fucking leeway for having to deal with that situation?