On Monday I created a poll on Facebook about cheating. I asked "what do you consider cheating (a lapse in fidelity)?" and had several different options to choose from. One of my friends posted a comment under the poll that said "Pretty much doing anything you feel you're gonna have to lie about." I read that and thought, Fucking GENIUS. This made me think about pretty much everything in life, not just my life. I thought about my friends, family, fictional characters... everything.
Recently the guy who had used me as "the other woman" and I started talking again. I had established the contact because well, he's an artist and he uses a certain medium that I am interested in trying but wasn't sure how to start or exactly what to do. So I emailed him to ask him what he uses and thus began our correspondence. He asked about my current relationship and I responded, to which he had told me about his ending. The relationship that he was in while he was seeing me. He told me about how he had regrets about not choosing me and blah blah blah. Well, the thing of it all is this, he had his chance to choose me and he didn't. What he did was hurt me. In fact he made it so that I was even MORE paranoid about cheating than I already was.
It pisses me off when guys just think that you are going to always be there. Like you are some unlovable piece of shit that nobody would ever want. Just because you were too stupid to see how amazing I am doesn't mean that someone else is as dumb as you.
I explained to CW last night that part of the reason that I pushed for him to commit to me was because the other guy wouldn't and part of that reason was because he had another girlfriend. I couldn't go through another heartbreak again, especially since I was pretty much in love with CW from the beginning. Not just from when we started dating, he had pulled me in from the beginning of our friendship. He did what most men don't, he jumped the wall that I had built so high and he found a way into my heart and planted a seed that grew and grew until it took everything over.
You see, CW and I may argue and we may have our problems like any couple does. That's because we are human. The thing is, when he hurt me he didn't leave me hanging. He's been trying to put together the pieces of my broken heart for the last almost 4 years. He's constantly doing what he can to fix not only what he broke, but what those who came before him did. It's a huge task. I believe he's done such an amazing job in taking care of me. My heart is his. I have had my moment of clarity, I have tried to picture a life without CW and I just can't do it. In fact, it fucking hurts when I try.
So as CW and I had our talk last night, I asked him calmly about Kari and he answered me (normally our conversations about her would be me screaming about her) which was nice. I was able to keep my composure. I didn't feel angry about anything, I was asking him questions, I was conducting an interview the same way I had been with others who had so politely answered my call for research. Once I had asked the questions, I answered a few of my own questions that I had asked CW on my own. I explained to him the situation as I had blogged about it, because I hadn't gone into detail about it in my blog and I told him about the correspondence and asked him how he felt. He told me he trusted me, I'm glad he does because he should. He has nothing to worry about. I desire no one else (well, maybe Joan from Mad Men I'm winking at you, honey) and no one in the world could ever complete my soul the way he does.
I thank everyone for making me ponder life. I think this dreaded bipolar cycle may soon be coming to an end, but we shall see.