Day 20: The Last Argument You Had
I can honestly say, there were no winners in the last argument that I was in. The argument was left as only somewhat resolved and still kind of looms in the air. Painful things were said. I was a participant.
I'm not proud of anything I said, I'm not even sure if I meant any of it. The thing is, when you are hurt, you say things that you know will hurt the other person, but only because you want them to hurt as badly as you, yourself hurt. The other thing is, you can't unsay something. You can always wish that you unsaid shit, but it can never be taken back. You can always apologize, but that apology can never take away the sting that those painful words bring.
I wish that life were perfect and that I had a better hold over my emotions, unfortunately, those are not the cards I was dealt. Anyone can say, "oh that's just an excuse." That's fine, I'm not asking you to take my side, I'm just saying how things in my head are. It's like an out of body experience. I see myself acting like a raving lunatic and being out of control and overemotional but I can't stop it.
In some ways, I like knowing that I can feel and have emotions because I've been overly medicated where I felt like a fucking zombie and all words lost meaning to me and I hated it. I would have rather had my ovaries stomped on by elephants. I wish more people understood or tried to understand how shitty it is to be stuck in the mind of someone who doesn't wish to be living with mental illness. Alas, it is what it is. What was said was said, what's done is done. Maybe some day the argument will be completely resolved instead of just hovering and poisoning the air.