It's been a while...

I haven't blogged in over four years.  I haven't blogged for a multitude of reasons.  Mainly, my focus isn't as great as it once was.

A lot has happened. Too much has happened.

Most recently, we lost one of our dogs. She was our middle dog.  Her name was Patchik and she was such a good girl.

I miss her. I was with her as she took her last breath and with it, she took a part of me with her.

I stayed up all night with her the night before she passed. She kept moving away from me, my little loner girl, but I wanted her to know that she was not alone and she was deeply loved.  I needed to do it. I needed to be with her.

I did the same with Chucky when we lost him almost 2 years ago.  I miss my kitty. I miss him so much.

We added 2 kitties to our pack since we lost Chuck. A deaf, albino barn kitty and an ex feral cat that looks like my childhood cat and acts just like my Chucky.

My heart was starting to mend a bit after losing Chuck, then we lost Patchik and it's broken all over again.

We've also lost 2 of my parents cats, DWB and Bill along with their rottie, Mischief.  If you know me, you know that my parents animals are just as much mine. I pet sit for them and see them daily so those were just as bad as losing my furbabies.

It's been rough.

Those aren't the only losses though... we lost my brother in law as well and that was insanely difficult.  He was the first member of my husband's family that I met and the first year that we dated, I saw him all the time.  I miss him. So much.

Along with this, I just feel like the biggest asshole because although it's been two and a half years... I still remember that I wasn't the wife that I needed to be for my husband.

I was selfish and acted like such an idiot at the funeral.  I was gutted at seeing one of his exes there and I felt slighted by his family because the wives of their sons weren't mentioned in his obituary so it felt/feels like they don't really think of us (me) as part of the family.  I shouldn't have made it about me though.  This was about my brother in law and my husband's loss. I needed to be there for him but I didn't feel like I belonged so it made it so hard for me to act like a functioning part of society.

I couldn't sit with him because I just felt like a foreigner in a strange land. I loved my brother in law and it didn't feel like anybody cared that I also lost a family member.  I just... I just let my emotions take over and do my thinking rather than let my brain tell me to stop acting like an asshole and hold my husband's hand and Fuck what anyone else thought, because he sees me as his family and that's all that matters.

I will hold that guilt until the day I take my last breath.

I'm not trying to justify my actions, but it just fucking sucks that I'm not only rejected by my own family, but I'm also rejected by my husband's family.

I say this because it's true. I was excluded from a birthday dinner honoring my brother in law, my mother in law deleted me from Facebook over political views and I was called a multitude of names by my sister in law (husband's living brother's wife).

I decided to pull back after all this.  I'm keeping more and more to my tiny bubble of family because I just can't handle the pain and heartache that "family" causes.

We recently went to dinner with my in laws and my amazing (step)son and his awesome girlfriend and I didn't have much interaction with my MIL or FIL because really, they don't care about me. That's pretty obvious. I mean, my mother in law cares more about her relationship with one of my late brother in law's acquaintance than she does her relationship with me.

As my husband was telling me what they were talking about as I was enjoying conversation with my stepson and his gf on our way home, it kinda ripped a chunk of my heart out that she cares so much about some random person but not the person that her oldest son is married to and has been with for almost 11 years.

I tried to convey how much this hurt me to my husband but I don't really know if he truly gets how much it hurts me because my parents don't consider him an "in law" he is their son, plain and simple.  I know it's not my husband's fault, he doesn't control his parents... but I just wish he'd do something to let them know that their actions affect me and thereby affect he and I as a whole.

I just feel so fucking broken and helpless. I try to keep everything in because I don't want to burden anyone else with my stupid problems but it's really breaking me in so many ways.

I don't want to trouble anyone with the shit I'm going through and I just don't know how much more I can stifle...

See what I mean about lack of focus?

I wish I could explain things better...